Old(er)

My birthday is coming up in a few weeks! I'll be 37... no big deal; age is just a number.

Isn't it?

This week, though, I've heard on the radio several times that around age 37/38 people claim to start feeling old. I scoffed. I don't feel like I'm old. I still feel young, vibrant, and energetic. But this radio spot that kept coming on has gotten me thinking. Hmmm....

• I enjoy keeping things routine. Trainer workout on Monday. Volleyball followed by Rancheritos on Wednesday. Ballroom dancing on Friday. West Coast Swing dancing on Saturday. And resuming next week, Tuesday night dancing outdoors to live music in downtown.
• I don't like staying up late anymore. (Ok, aside from the fact that I'm writing this at 1am, I am usually not awake at this hour. The only reason I'm up this late is because of the dancing. And because stress kept me awake last night, so I took a long nap this afternoon, and now I'm not ready to go to bed.) Usually, during the week I'm in bed by 10 and on the weekend.... maybe a little later, depending on dancing.

Ok, so maybe there's not a lot of overwhelming evidence. But I certainly do like my routines. But maybe it's just my way of taking care of myself.

Confession time. I've not gone to a couple friend's birthday parties recently because they conflict with dancing. And also because they revolve around food. I have been invited to birthday dinners out at restaurants. Yes, I feel some sadness about not being with my friends to celebrate these milestones in their lives. And, yes, I do wonder if they'll come to my birthday event since I didn't go to theirs. But these are the choices I'm making right now because it's how I'm taking care of me in the best way I know how to do in this moment.

Partly I haven't gone because of finances; I don't have a big budget for eating out. (I'd rather spend my entertainment money on doing, not eating.) The other reason, the big reason, is that I don't want my social life to revolve around food. Using food for entertainment is a big reason why I got overweight in the first place. I want to spend time with my friends DOING something, not EATING. *Note: only one event in my weekly routine has food attached, and that food comes after a lot of physical activity.

I guess that's why I'm not planning a big birthday party for myself. I don't want it to be about food - I want it to be about time with my friends. That's why I'm planning to continue doing my favorite activities during my birthday week, but I'm inviting my friends to join me. And there may or may not be birthday cake. What I want more is just to be around people I care about who also care about me. That's what's important to me.

So to my friend's whose birthday dinners I have missed - I'm sorry. I do love and care about you. I enjoy the time we spend together at volleyball, dancing, or other activities; however, I don't want to give up my beloved activities to spend several hours sitting and eating. I love you, but I also love me. And I love me too much to not take care of myself by not doing the physical activities I love. For too many years I put myself on the back burner. I'm taking care of me now.

My dear friends, I have some sadness about not attending your birthday dinners. You are important. I feel a tug in my heart to go. But I also feel a strong tug in my heart to go dance and enjoy the things I love - a healthy (and budget friendly) dinner at home and dancing for hours. I'm listening to my heart as it tells me what my body needs to have peace right now. Is that getting old, or is that just maturity and self-awareness....

Keep Going

It finally shifted.

Since March I've been struggling with health issues and convalescence. During that time my weight fluctuated a lot. I did fairly well keeping the weight off while I was sick because I didn't have much of an appetite. However, afterwards, while on the road to recovery (convalescence) I started eating more again, though I didn't have the energy or strength to get back to my usual physical activities. My weight started to creep up, my waist line got softer and a little fuller. I didn't look or feel like my healthy self.

The physical stress started to lead to mental stress, and on top of that piled usual end-of-the-school-year stress at work. I felt like I was in a downward health spiral as the weight didn't go down and the stress went up. I was battling a depression because of things.

Though I felt physically better, I wasn't back to where I was before the illness and needed to remember to give myself time to get there. During my depression I struggled with feeling like I had regressed to where I was a year ago, before my running and before my months of hard work with my trainer. I kept beating myself up. I talked with my trainer and my psychotherapist to help get some perspective. I wasn't giving myself compassion and love during my recovery time.

So I took a snapshot of my weight loss journey and kept it on my phone as a reminder of how far I've come. Yes, the past few months have been a struggle, but I needed to remember how far I have come and remember that it was only a minor setback, not a total loss.

The past few weeks I've really rededicated myself to better eating and physical activity. My trainer and I have tweaked some things on my nutritional goals. I was frustrated at not seeing anything different after the first week. This week, though, something happened. After two weeks of hard work, something shifted.

I knew last night that my body was feeling different. My clothes felt different and looked different on me. And this morning the scale reflected what my body had revealed the night before. The weight is shifting. And just a small change, but it's spurring me on to not give up. I just needed to keep focused on my goals and the things that would get me there: a good night's sleep, moving more, eating well, drinking plenty of water, and lowering my stress by doing things to take care of myself. It can all be summed up by a favorite quote I've seen and shared before:

Sweet Victory

Had some good news and some tough news today. At first, I didn't want to turn to food for comfort and I was feeling proud of myself. But as the news sank in I felt the urge to teach for sweets for comfort start to rise. I resisted. I didn't give in. I remembered how good my body is finally starting to feel after being sick for a month, and remembered how bad my body would feel if I did indulge in the sweets. I resisted temptation to comfort with food. Now THAT'S the sweet taste of victory!

Poems of the Tiger and the Dove

This man I loved was inspired to write me a poem. And something about our love inspired me to do the same. He has gone from my life, but the poems and memories remain.


April, 16-18th 2015 written by Tiger, about our first date weekend
untitled
The first time we kissed
my heart nearly missed
the pattern of its faithful beat.
To feel your lips touch mine,
sent me onto cloud nine.
I could barely stand on my own two feet.
The dances we shared, the laughter we dared,
as two kind souls learned from each other.
We took a chance on the web
and now in my head I am glad we found each other.
Until I see you again at our familiar places
and outdoor spaces,
will always have a picture of you ... making silly faces.

April 26,2015 written by Dove

"The Tiger and The Dove" 

strong, gentle, dauntless 

tender, peaceful, beloved 

matchless together 

April 27, 2015 written by Dove 

"Safe" 

To the one I love 

To the one who has captured my heart 

I give it freely I know it is safe with you 

You are my strong protector 

My gentle love 

My encourager 

My inspiration 

I am yours

This Too Shall Pass

I'm in the best physical shape of my life.

I love my school: the staff, students, parents. Heck, I even like the school board and administrator!

I have a good circle of friends and a fairly active social life.

My spiritual life could be a little better. I don't spend enough time in personal prayer, and sometimes I've missed church. But I still have a strong faith and know God is with me.

Why do I feel so "not me"? Why don't I feel very "Becky-like"?

After spending all day yesterday horizontally, either on the couch or in bed because I'm sick, I woke up today feeling rested and feeling more like me again. (The meds helped with that, too.) So I did some more thinking about what's different.

A few days ago I thought I was in a spiritual depression because Sunday morning worship has not been feeding me for over a year. But really, the past five months I've been too tired to enjoy things I used to love: running, volleyball, and dancing. And I've had a bit more stress and not been sleeping very well.

And then it hit me....This has all been going on since about October and that's when I got two new, high energy students. And those two, combined with three other high energy kids in my class, have been draining my energy. No wonder I'm not enjoying the things I used to love - I'm too tired to do them!

my student's current motto....?

Don't get me wrong, I love all 13 of my students. They make me laugh one minute, and the next minute my jaw is on the floor and I'm scratching my head wondering "what the heck were they thinking?" One minute they are giving me hugs, telling me they love me and I'm the best teacher ever, and the next minute they are having a fit and yelling that I'm so mean and I hate them. One moment they're in rapt attention hanging on my every word, and then next minute they are so loud that they can be heard at the other end of the hallway. It's exhausting!

So I'm going to accept, without judgment, that these next couple months until school is out will be hard. I will have even less energy as the weather gets warmer and we get closer to the end of the school year because the children will be more excited and wiggly. I may have more quiet evenings and less active weekends until school is out. I'm going to love myself and those energetic kids, seek support from coworkers and parents when I need it, and remind myself that "this, too, shall pass...." (maybe not soon enough on some days!). I will treat all with compassion and without judgment.

Budgeting: Calories & Money

About a month ago I started a Financial Peace University course. I was tired of not having much money left at the end of each paycheck. Tired of worrying if I would be able to buy groceries or if I could pay my trainer or if I would bounce checks. I was tired of living in fear of not having enough money.

I began the journey with hope that it would teach me how to live on a budget and get out of debt. In the first few weeks I've learned that some of the things I was trying to do were on the path to financial freedom, I just wasn't doing them in the right order.

I started looking at budgeting my money, having a plan, and making cutbacks in some areas (giving up certain things for a while) as being very similar to my weight loss journey. I was going to give up certain things, temporarily, in order to achieve a greater goal. With my weight loss it turns out I didn't miss as much some of those things I had given up. I'm curious how it will feel to give up some financial things in order to achieve the greater goal of being debt free and better managing my money? I'm excited to find out!

This week I began my attempt to live on my budget - to take it out of the theoretical realm and put it into practice. I had written my budget the week before, had my budget buddy look over it with me, and I felt ready. A little scared, after all, Dave had said that the first month wouldn't be perfect, it'll take a few months to sort out, but I was ready to try.

I went to the bank and got cash for three areas of my budget that I wanted to try doing envelopes with and then I went off to the grocery store with my grocery envelop. I had my shopping list and I was careful to only buy what was on my list - after all, I was on a budget and didn't want to run out of money and not have anything left for next week's shopping. I checked out and eagerly paid my cash because I was a super shopper! I logged my spending on the envelop when I got home and felt proud of myself.

....until I remembered the next day (during yoga class!) that I had forgotten a few things. I decided to stop by Walmart on my way home and pick them up. It wasn't until I was in the checkout line that I realized I didn't have my grocery envelop with me. I swiped my debit card to pay and immediately went home and balanced out the cash in the envelop to make it work.

I keep thinking of this budgeting as I did with my calories. I'm getting picky about how I spend them (calories and dollars)

because I know I only have so many to use. If I went over on my calories I had to compensate by exercising more or face the consequences of the scale and my body's feelings. If I go over on one area of my budget I have to face the reality of bounced checks or not having money for other areas. And I'm ready to be done with that! Time for a new, more financially healthy me.

In case you can't tell... I'm sold out on this Financial Peace University and wanting to give it my 100%. No shortcuts to my health- physically and financially.

No Cookies Needed

It had barely just started again and now it's over.

First, it was bad timing a year ago. Now, it's the distance. I love him and he loves me, but there's apparently just too many obstacles in our way.

No cookies needed

I'm tempted to go back to my old habits of finding comfort in food. I want chocolate! Or do I? My stomach is finally flat (or flatter than it has been in weeks while bloated). I'm feeling comfortable in my own skin - even naked. I feel slim and strong. Do I really want to go back to my old habits of finding comfort in food? NO! So I  need to find a substitute.

Exercise. Thank goodness it was also workout Monday with my trainer. I moved from sad that he called it off, to pissed off that he wasn't wiling to pursue me. I'm worth it. I'm a darned good catch. I'm freaking awesome! Darn him for not wanting it enough. Not wanting me enough.

So I took action.
I removed the electronic copies of the poems we'd written to each other.
I deleted our text chain and our messenger chat.
I deleted him from my contacts.
Swiftly. Like ripping off a bandaid.

I'm usually loyal to a fault, to a point where I hurt myself, but this time I don't want to do that. I've done enough of that in the past and this time I'm flipping the switch. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

But I don't feel shame, because I wanted it too. I initiated it, but he responded. But given his reason for not being able to pursue a relationship, perhaps he shouldn't have responded in the first place. But at least I've learned a lesson - don't hold on to the hurt.

I haven't cried since Monday afternoon.  I got a little sad on Thursday night during my Financial Peace class because it reminded me of a recent conversation with him. But I kept my chin up and reminded myself this wasn't about him, this was about me. I'd been feeling pumped about this class and I wasn't going to let him steal my joy.

This is about me feeling good about myself. And yah, I don't need sugary sweets to do that. I'm taking care of me and that feels great! I'm finding comfort in taking care of myself, support and love from my friends, and some inspirational words on the internet. I'm keeping myself open to love.