Sunday, May 14, 2017

What If...

 I feel like a fool.

Two years ago I fell in love hard and fast with a guy from my home state that I had met on eHarmony. Also two years ago I had my heart broken because the timing was off. He's a business owner and due to an employee failure, he had to turn all his attention to work to save his business. He had no time for me. I tried to give him space and time to focus on his business. I tried to be supportive. But I also needed to still feel connected to him, and the distance made that hard. We fall apart.

Six months later I was still thinking of him, so I wrote him a letter to see if there was any chance of reigniting our relationship. It took him a while, but he finally called me. I thought we had a chance, but after a week he said he couldn't be with someone who doubted him. I never thought I had doubted him, but apparently he perceived some of my behavior and actions as doubt rather than just concern.

I tried to move on. This past summer I even told my best friend how I was proud of myself for having seen his name appear on a social media site and not feeling torn up about it.

But his face popped up again, on another social media site, so I sent him a follow request. He accepted, and shortly after sent me a follow request in return. I thought it would be ok, but somewhere along the way I started thinking about the "what if..."

He has a daughter now, but no mention of a wife or girl friend, so "what if..." He had mentioned that he wanted to adopt, when we had first met a few years ago, so I just assumed that's what he'd done.

And I continued to dream "what if..."

I had an image in my mind that brought to life the nicknames we had for each other. One night when I couldn't fall asleep I doodled it into my journal. Then shared it on the same social media site where we reconnected, and wondered "what if..."

What if....

But then he posted a picture of his daughter and wished happy mother's day to her mom and said I love you to the baby's mom. I guess I know now "what if...."

Saturday, May 13, 2017

My Favorite Addiction

I'm my father's daughter. Also possibly my mother's daughter. Either way - I have inherited a major sweet tooth.

Hello. My name is Becky, and I'm a sugar addict. I've been clean for 1 day.

I fell off the wagon last week when the salt water taffy appeared on the school secretary's desk. She said I could have a handful or two. So I did. (But some of it I shared with my students.)

And then every day after that I helped myself to another handful (ok, maybe two, but again sharing some of it with my students). Every day, except Friday. Friday I stared the devil in the face and won. I was back on the wagon.

Until I worked my second job. Then at 10 pm, waiting for the manager to finish up so we could all walk out, some of the others were munching on candy and shared with each other. I gave in and had a few M&Ms, a couple bits of chocolate almond bark, and .... something else I can't recall now, but it was candy.

And today I haven't had any candy. I can feel the sugar's affects on my body though, and I'm reminded why I got on the wagon in the first place.

The sugar is causing my shoulders to ache. Achy body parts make me feel grumpy.

The sugar is causing me to feel emotional and irritable. For about an hour or so this afternoon I felt like crying. For no reason, at least not a good one. That's when I checked in with myself and realized it was connected to the sugar with drawl.

For more on this, click here.
And the sugar has disrupted my sleep. I did not sleep well last night. I asked my very knowledgeable trainer if diet can affect sleep, and he said it does. I knew there had to be a connection. I was right. He has done the research, though, so he has more than just my personal observation, he's got scientific data to back him up (at least I assume, because he's a science geek).

I can't wait till this gets out of my system again. I hope that by writing it down, I'll remember why I don't like eating sugar. And I need to remember, that even on a good day when I feel like I can control it and be ok just eating a little, that little triggers a reaction to the next day and next day after that. It becomes a daily thing until I'm living in a world of hurt and regret brought on by sugar. And I'm tired of living this way.

Monday, May 8, 2017


So much about this song speaks to how I'm feeling right now.

Lately, it just seems to be one thing after another.

Let me begin with a little back story...

In November, my boyfriend and I started to plan a trip for us to visit my grandparents in Denver during my school's spring break (I'm a teacher). However, in early January this boyfriend and I decided to take a break. And at the end of January, my grandpa passed away. I still went to visit my grandma over spring break (which started Easter weekend). But this time there was no grandpa or boyfriend as planned. So that brought up a lot of feelings and emotions being at grandma's house with no grandpa and no boyfriend.

I've been meaning to officially, finally end things with him, but didn't have the right words or the right time. But Friday night, at 2 am, (which I guess is technically Saturday morning) one of many recent nights where I haven't slept well, I was able to find just the right words to express in a compassionate and kind way my need to end our relationship.

I felt lighter and freer, as if a burden had been lifted. Not that the relationship was a burden, but that the need to officially end it had been a burden.

But then this morning I got a message from my dad saying that my stepmom had suffered a stroke... and the weight was back. The weight of sin and sickness and death. I immediately took up the burden of sadness over this, as well as two great aunts - one who passed away a week ago and one who is in the hospital from an injury similar to the one my grandpa suffered before he passed away. And the weight has been dragging me down.

I tried all day to keep focused (and done very well), but after work I was in tears again. My heart just feels overwhelmed by the sadness that sickness and death has brought into my life this year. And I even noticed that in my mind I started to have the "why me, God, why them" kind of questions.

But I know why. Death and sickness were never part of His perfect design. Adam and Eve brought sin into this world. It makes our bodies decay. I had to explain this to my kids today when they asked me why I was sad, what a heart attack is, and other questions about my step mom.

Lord, I pray for peace. Peace for me and for my family. We know death and sickness were never a part of Your original plan for us. You are the Great Physician - please watch over all who are sick and suffering. Grant them healing, not just from their physical needs but from their spiritual needs as well. And Lord, You are the giver of Peace. Surround all who are suffering with Your Peace, the Peace that passes all understanding. Guide the doctors and nurses who care for the sick; grant them wisdom in their care. Give comfort and hope to those who mourn and to those who wait by the bedside of the sick. We know that You will work all these things for the good of those who love you - if not healing and restoration in this life, then in the next. Thank you, Father, for hearing this prayer. Amen.