Monday, September 28, 2015

Tough Choices

I don't want to be an adult today. I want to ignore responsibilities and go have fun. But no, I'm being an adult and taking care of myself.

I WANT to be at the Styx and Def Leppard concert with my friends, staying out late, and celebrating someone's birthday with cupcakes.

Instead, I am adulting. I'm CHOOSING what is right and necessary over what is fun. I'm choosing to go to the gym, eat a healthy dinner, grade papers, and go to bed early.

Being an adult stinks today.

But I'm listening to my body and I know I won't regret that. Taking care of myself always makes my body feel good.

Cinders checking things out.
I reread a meme from a previous blog post about choosing what is right vs easy (see "Patience"). I'm choosing what is right even though it's hard and not fun.

And guess what sweet surprise just walked through the door?! My roommate brought me a bouquet of my favorite flowers because she knew I was stressed out about everything going on this week; she wanted to cheer me up. I have an awesome roommate!

Maybe this adulting thing won't be so bad.... I'm off to the gym now.

Thursday, September 24, 2015


This morning I woke up and felt so much better after getting a lot of sleep last night. And as I headed out the door to go to work, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I thought to myself "I look beautiful today." Self-care is an amazing, important thing. And sadly, most of us don't do enough of it.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015


Last week I was frustrated with men. I thought it was perhaps because of my sugar-bingeing, but this week I've been off of processed sugar (and going for natural sugar found in foods), yet this discontent with men and dating remains. So it's not just the sugar talking, this is something really on my heart.

This morning I woke up feeling tired and dreading the days ahead. I have some fun stuff going on this week, but when I woke up this morning all I could think about was how tired I would be after doing all these fun things and wondering if I could skip some, but also not wanting to miss out on time with friends. Folks, I'm tired. I'm worn out.

It's not just physical exhaustion. It's emotional. There seems to be dating drama everywhere I go. Rumors still circulating about whether I'm dating this guy or that guy. (What a problem to have, I know, right?) This is new to me. Never have I been that girl before. Never. It's wearing on me.

I just want to go and have fun at volleyball or dancing or a concert. But when I go someone always asks if I'm dating such and such a guy.

Just to make sure we're all clear here: I'M NOT DATING ANYONE. I'M SINGLE. cue Beyonce... all the single ladies, all the single ladies put your hands up!

No one's put a ring on it, folks. I'm single. Not in a relationship. Not seeing anyone. Just hanging out and having fun... well, I was, now I'm not sure of that either. And so I woke up this morning dreading it all and wanting to crawl back under the covers.

(And just for the record, most of the guys have told me they aren't dating/won't date me. I have told only one I won't date him because he's not my type.)

This is the text conversation that ensued:
Me: Ever since you mentioned not going to volleyball last night, to have a quiet night tonight, that idea has been rattling around in my mind to maybe do the same. In fact, I wisih I could take the day off from work and have a whole day and night of quiet. But I can't do that, so maybe just a quiet night tonight or tomorrow.
Me: Ok, so that was first waking up. Now, after showering and dressing I have more thoughts. 
Me: I'm tired. Tired of being alone. Of being my own strength and support all the time. i want someone to mutually support and be supported by. I want to be held. I want to hold tightly.Me: I'm tired of being surrounded by people but still feeling alone. I want to be with someone who understands my heart. To be with people who truly see me. 
Me: Maybe this is why I feel like my dating life sucks. Because men see my outward appear but they don't see my heart. They lust after me but they don't really know me.
Friend (who finally has woken up): If you want to be held you need to have children. 
Friend: Social programming does not influence people in that direction of truly knowing someone. It's all about the physical, the visual. 
Friend: Lots in the current battle between the few and the marketing giants of the world. 
Friend: You live in one of the most screwed up social settings in the country. 
Friend: Probably the worst habitat for developing or fostering any kind of healthy relationship at any age. 
Friend: If you want to be held, if you want to hold someone so you can experience genuine love and affection that's undying, the best odds at that are to have three children, your own children. 
Me: Ah, I understand what you are saying. 
Me: I do want kids, but not on my own. Parenting is tough. You need a teammate. And kids need a mom and a dad. 
Me: Someone at work just asked how I was doing and I started crying. I'm emotionally tired.

That's the realization I had today. I'm emotionally tired.

I shared a picture of a swimming pool with a little sludge left in the bottom and debris floating, captioned "dating pool in your 30s". That's kind of how I'm feeling at the moment... dating is murky waters. Exhausting and murky.

I have a lot of love to give. I have a great big heart. I desire to share love with others. And to find someone worthy of that love who returns it. But lately I seem to keep finding men who are not worthy of that love. Or men who aren't able to give love. Why  do I keep falling for emotionally unavailable men? It's a question I keep asking myself over and over again.

I'm ready. Now where are all the good men? The ones who are looking for a relationship, emotionally available, able to give and receive love, true followers of Christ? I'm ready to love.

Monday, September 14, 2015

Outta Whack

I still feel outta whack. I feel like crying over the littlest things. And I get pissed off over the littlest things. And I'm still so tired, even thought I got plenty rested this weekend. I am definitely not my best self.

I'm feeling pissed off at a friend for not responding to me for several days. A mutual friend says this person just does that some times. I know I shouldn't take it personally, but I am right now. I'm  trying to remember to give them grace and compassion - they are doing the best that they can in their life right now. It's not about me it's about them. It's their issue. They will respond to me when they are ready and able.

And I'm just so fed up with pretty much all men right now. Ok, maybe not all me. I started to think about two that I'm not disgusted with and the list was actually quite long - you can thank my brother and most adorable nephew for swinging the vote that men aren't so bad. Maybe it is just a few men in my life that I need to look at and decide if they are worth the hassle. (And right now I'm leaning towards NOT!)

Ok, and if I'm being honest, I ate sugar yesterday and today. I can feel the tension knots starting in my shoulders. I could be achy from that or from the fact that I didn't sleep well last night which lowered my stress tolerance (which led to some emotional and mindless eating). Now I'm regretting the sugar. (But it's leaving the apartment soon!)

But still, I'm disgusted with men. A few in particular. I want to delete our text histories because I'm pissed off, but really, what good will that do other than I wouldn't have to see their faces and message history listed in my message inbox.

And I'm fed up with rumor starters. A part of me wants to skip some of my favorite activities because there are rumors I'm dating this one guy at dancing, and other rumors about two different guys I might be dating at volleyball. I'm not dating any of them. They are just friends. We sometimes flirt, but mostly we just participate in the same activity together and have fun doing so. Stop spreading rumors, people. This isn't junior high, this is my life.

Gee, I was hoping that if I wrote some of this stuff down it would help clear my mind so I could sleep. Not sure that it's helping because I'm sort of getting riled up. But a moment later I can't keep my eyes open.

I need to go to bed and give myself some grace and compassion - I'm doing the best that I can right now. And when I'm ready, I'll look at what changes I need to make in my life so these darned men are less aggravating to me.

Saturday, September 12, 2015

My Third 5k: Fallen Hero Memorial Run

Last weekend I signed up for two more 5ks to try to get my running motivation back. The first of two - my third 5k so far - was today. The Fallen Hero Memorial Run in Draper, Utah is to remember and raise money for the families of those who have lost their lives. Super hero attire was encouraged, so my friends and I all wore tshirts (some borrowed, one bought - but now I'm kind of wanting to buy my own, too). I look pretty SUPER if I do say so myself.

I have been pretty busy and very tired since school started. I was losing motivation to continue my training. My hope was that by signing up for these races I would be motivated to keep training for a 10k. With the race coming up I knew I had to get refocused on my training and other things to take care of myself. I gave myself permission to say no to some activities and yes to myself. Taking care of myself, I got more sleep and made time for running again.

I made myself go to bed early on Thursday and not stay out late dancing or playing volleyball on Friday. I also resumed  my training in order to prepare for the race today. I was feeling good this morning as we arrived at the race start.

Looking SUPER!
Last night, I met up with my friend Matty to borrow his Superman shirt for the race today. I had picked out my shorts, socks, and running shoes, with his shirt I was ready for the superhero run.

My friend Sarah and I got to the race site about 40 minutes before the start to pick up our packets and get warmed up. We found Melissa, who had invited the both of us to join her, and  got some pre-race pictures. (Melissa's husband is the head mechanic for the airmed choppers, so we were excited to see it arrive before the race.)

At the starting line we agreed to run our own pace and meet again at the finish line. I was a little unsure what my pace would be since I haven't run on the street for a while - I'd been doing treadmill runs for the last month or so. I started easy, and when my tracking app said my first mile pace was 11 minutes I knew I was doing well and could go a little faster the next two miles.

I picked up the pace on my second mile and did it in 10:30. And in the third mile I caught up to Melissa and we finished together. According to the results I was 5th in my age bracket, which I'm pretty proud of. (Melissa was 3rd in her age group, and Sarah was 4th in her age group. Nice job to all of us!)

When I got home, I made notes on my race bib and took a long, much needed nap. So glad I am getting back on track. And so glad I was able to do this race with these lovely ladies this morning.

pre-race group photo
pre-race selfie

Official result - slightly different than my apps results, but only by 5 seconds.

post-race selfie
We did it!

My bib collection, with race notes.

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Living At Break Neck Speed

I have been way too busy lately. It has been one thing after another almost every night since early July. Many of the things happening late at night and then me getting up earlyish in the morning. Even earlier now that school has started.

And now life seems to be catching up with me and I am feeling overwhelmed. There are so many things in my own little private world that I have neglected and my busyness. There are relationships I have neglected. But most importantly I have neglected to listen to my body and take care of myself.

And as I get dressed this morning I feel tears welling up in my eyes because I'm sad at the way I've treated myself, the way I have treated some of my friendships, and the way I have treated things in my life. Some of these things I wish I could go back and undo but I know that I cant.

Life just needs to slow down. Starting today. What I can do to take care of myself is to spend the evening doing things for me. Things like going to the gym, eating a healthy dinner, grading papers so they aren't looming in my mind as something I need to do. I also need to knit; I have so many baby blanket that I want to make for people having babies. I need to clean and do laundry. I need to take care of myself and my space.

I need a plan. And then I need supporters. I need prayer warriors who will be on my side I need friends who will be there to listen, to offer a shoulder to cry on if needed, to celebrate with me when needed, and sometimes to just sit quietly with me.

All these things have thrown my body out of whack. I've been staying up late so I've been eating late in the evening which has been causing me some tummy troubles. I've not been getting enough sleep which is causing my body to feel tired. The tiredness and the things I've been busy doing have been putting a lot of stress on my body and my body just isn't functioning at its best. I feel stress in my body semicolon my knees hurt, my back hurts, I've been getting headaches, and I've got knots in my shoulders.

I need to slow down and take better care of my body again. If I don't slow down and listen to my body I know I could end up where I was a couple of years ago and I never want to go back to that. But my weight has been bouncing up and down mostly up for the last several weeks and I don't like that. I know what I need to do to take care of my body but I've been too busy to listen to it.

I need to slow down. I've lost some of myself in my busyness and I miss me. I need to get back to taking care of myself and doing things that are good for me and that I'm truly passionate about. I need to spend more time with true friends who are uplifting and encouraging and godly.

In December of 2013 I sat down and wrote a year-long plan changed my life forever. I think it's time for September 2015 to be the time to write the plan that will change my life again.

Monday, September 7, 2015


Have you ever felt so alone in your hurt? Have you ever cried so hard that you drop to your knees on the floor of the bathroom while your heart is hurting? Have you ever then with someone you know you shouldn't be with and yet you did it anyway?

Why do we do things that we know will cause us pain and grief? Why do we set ourselves limits and boundaries and yet cross them anyway? Why do we do these things when we know we will only get hurt?
I've done something foolish. Something I knew I didn't want to do. I told myself for weeks that I should stay away from this person. This weekend, I let this person back into my life even though I knew they would only hurt me. I confessed to a friend what I had done and while it brought me some relief because of her loving support, she shared with me something about the person involved that has caused me more hurt yet at the same time strengthened my resolve for the need to keep that person from being too involved in my life.

So here I am crying on the bathroom floor and hurting from a self inflicted wound because I let a person in my life that I shouldn't have. And now I need a plan. A plan to protect myself from the toxicity of this person and the potential for them to hurt me again.

My resolve is strengthened. I will make a plan to keep them at a safe distance. To keep myself at a safe distance. To protect my heart from hurt. Because I am worthy of good things. I am worthy of good friends. I am worthy of having loving people in my life. I am worthy of love. And this person does not love or care for me.