To Me, With Love

Dear Me,
(in a soothing, nurturing voice) Why do you keep doing this to yourself? You know numbing with food won't make you feel better.
Why do you keep eating sweets, so many sweets?
Why do you keep losing sight of your goals?
Yes, dear, it is the holiday season... but it was also during the holiday season just a few years ago that you decided to take back your life. Do you remember the night you sat down and really looked at things?
Do you remember how you sat down, so focused for hours, working on a plan to bring health back to the forefront of your life?
You worked so hard.

(in tears, with sadness) I know. I worked so hard.
I'm scared. I'm scared now.
I'm tired of feeling uncomfortable in my clothes. I'm tired of my body feeling bloated and uncomfortable all the time.
I'm tired of my clothes not fitting right, or not fitting at all.
I want to go back.
I'm just so tired all the time.

(with tenderness and compassion) I know you are. I know. You are doing your best right now. Of course you are. This is hard work. You knew this would be a lifelong battle. You can do this.

(a few tears still, but determination rising up) I can do this. I know I can. I did it before and discovered how strong I am. I can get back to where I feel good. To where I feel healthy. To where I feel strong. Vibrant. Beautiful. Alive. I want to feel alive again!
Sugar doesn't do that. Sugar makes my body hurt. Sugar makes my body uncomfortable. Sugar tastes good in the moment. It's addicting, oh so addicting.
But I'm tired of the muffin top. I'm tired of my boobs popping out of the top of my bra. I'm tired of achy knees. I'm tired of feeling gassy and bloated.

(with more confidence now, tears drying) I need reminders of the positives and negatives. What I want and what I don't like feeling. I need to break this addiction. I can do this!
What I don't want:

• feeling gassy and bloated
• achy joints and knees
• feeling tired and worn out
• muffin tops
• breakouts on my chin

What I do want:

• my clothes to fit right
• energy
• feeling healthy, vibrant, alive, beautiful
• fitness, flexibility, freedom (not to eat anything I want but to do the things I love most)

I'm sick and tired of doing this to myself over and over and over...! I want to end this cycle. I want to pave new patterns for a healthier life, a healthier me. I want a life with self-control and freedom. I want a life with balance. 

....balance is still something I'm struggling with. I may not have it quite yet, but I'm getting there. I can do this. 

(lovingly) Oh dear, you can do this. It's not an easy road ahead of you, but you already have everything you need. (I'm sort of my own Glinda the good witch here.)

(with gratitude) Yes, I can do this. I will do this. I'm going to make a plan for tomorrow. 

Tomorrow, not to punish myself, but because I love myself, I'm going to only eat things I pack. Yogurt, fruit, and granola for breakfast. A banana for morning snack. Bean soup and clementines for lunch. And for afternoon snack some cottage cheese with fruit. And a quick dinner at home of enchilada casserole/soup. (It turned out a little runny, I'll have to ask Grandma P what I need to do differently next time.)

No pizza hot lunch for me, not because I can't, but because I know what the bread and fatty toppings will make my body feel like and I don't want that. And because I know that right now it's hard to stop at just one, so I'm not even going to start. This is an act of love towards myself.

One day at a time. One moment at a time. You got this.

I got this!

Seven Pounds

Ugh...

Ok. I need a plan.

I read a Facebook friend's post about how she made a plan, focused on her goals, and in 2 weeks took off 5 pounds.

I need a plan.

I've put on 7 pounds since I started seeing my boyfriend a month ago. I'm still a healthy weight. He still thinks I am beautiful. But I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't like the way my gut has been feeling or acting the last several weeks (gas, bloating, bowl problems - yuck). So I need a plan. A plan that says to my body that I love me and will care for myself with loving, not harsh, limits.

For the next two weeks I will:
Step One: Say good night to my dear boyfriend and start getting ready for bed by 9 pm on school nights. Good sleep (and enough sleep) affects not only my mood buy also my gut. *Except for Thursday night volleyball, but that will still have a reasonable bed-time, because activity and social time are important, too.
Step Two: Not drink caffeine or soft drinks (caffeine-free or otherwise). They just aren't good for me.
Step Three: Not consume processed sugars. Sugar creates gas. Gas creates discomfort in my body. Enough said.
Step Four: Only eat what is planned, therefore I must meal plan! Weekends will be spent planning meals, shopping, and preparing food.
Step Five: Make physical activity a priority again during the week by going to the gym once or twice on the weekend, and two times during the week.

Now, I need to create a physical recording system (not just electronic) because I like physically seeing this in front of me. Time to make an incentive chart for myself! What kind of cute stickers should I give myself....?

Bad Habit

Facebook reminded me of a post today that I made in this blog one year ago. (read it here) It was about being too busy. And just before I opened up Facebook, I'd been laying in bed thinking about how I am too busy lately, and I need to take stock of what I've been doing lately and evaluate what's most important to me. 

Something's gotta give and unfortunately it's been my health lately. I was commenting to my trainer that I am too mentally and physically exhausted to work out this weekend even though I'm "supposed to". Poor eating habits and lack of sleep at night so my body feels off. My digestive system has been feeling unhappy this week and I've noticed that my skin and face are lacking their usual glow. I don't like the way all of this is making me feel.

Skip ahead a few days as I revisit the start of this post. I dictated the first part into my phone's Blogger app over the weekend. Tonight, I'm sitting at home, having just watched last night's episode of Dancing With The Stars. Usually I'm out dancing at the Gallivan Center to live big band music on Tuesday nights, but tonight I listened to my body. I'm tired from not enough sleep, my knee was feeling funny as I walked upstairs to my apartment on my way home from work, and I just wasn't sure the weather was going to be nice enough for dancing outdoors (since my phone app kept giving me severe weather alerts). Bearing in mind my need to listen to my body and my desire to play volleyball tomorrow night (and possibly Thursday night), I decided that it would be in my best interest to stay home tonight and rest.

This bad habit of being too busy is hard to break (since I'm still working on it a year later), but I am working on it. Reflecting on my gratitude for listening to my body is a big step in this process. Yes, I'm sad that I missed the dance event this evening, especially because these outdoor concerts will be ending soon since fall is arriving. But I'm also grateful that I had a fun, full day today, and that I have a fun, full day to look forward to tomorrow. And I'm grateful that I had some time at home this evening to put my feet up and slow down. Hopefully by listening to my body tonight I'll be able to enjoy volleyball (and Sonic afterwards) tomorrow without my body reminding me of regrets for not listening and caring for myself.

But check on me, just in case, to make sure I'm checking in with myself and listening to my body.... it's still a habit in progress.

Living At Break Neck Speed

I have been way too busy lately. It has been one thing after another almost every night since early July. Many of the things happening late at night and then me getting up earlyish in the morning. Even earlier now that school has started.

And now life seems to be catching up with me and I am feeling overwhelmed. There are so many things in my own little private world that I have neglected and my busyness. There are relationships I have neglected. But most importantly I have neglected to listen to my body and take care of myself.

And as I get dressed this morning I feel tears welling up in my eyes because I'm sad at the way I've treated myself, the way I have treated some of my friendships, and the way I have treated things in my life. Some of these things I wish I could go back and undo but I know that I cant.

Life just needs to slow down. Starting today. What I can do to take care of myself is to spend the evening doing things for me. Things like going to the gym, eating a healthy dinner, grading papers so they aren't looming in my mind as something I need to do. I also need to knit; I have so many baby blanket that I want to make for people having babies. I need to clean and do laundry. I need to take care of myself and my space.

I need a plan. And then I need supporters. I need prayer warriors who will be on my side I need friends who will be there to listen, to offer a shoulder to cry on if needed, to celebrate with me when needed, and sometimes to just sit quietly with me.

All these things have thrown my body out of whack. I've been staying up late so I've been eating late in the evening which has been causing me some tummy troubles. I've not been getting enough sleep which is causing my body to feel tired. The tiredness and the things I've been busy doing have been putting a lot of stress on my body and my body just isn't functioning at its best. I feel stress in my body semicolon my knees hurt, my back hurts, I've been getting headaches, and I've got knots in my shoulders.

I need to slow down and take better care of my body again. If I don't slow down and listen to my body I know I could end up where I was a couple of years ago and I never want to go back to that. But my weight has been bouncing up and down mostly up for the last several weeks and I don't like that. I know what I need to do to take care of my body but I've been too busy to listen to it.

I need to slow down. I've lost some of myself in my busyness and I miss me. I need to get back to taking care of myself and doing things that are good for me and that I'm truly passionate about. I need to spend more time with true friends who are uplifting and encouraging and godly.

In December of 2013 I sat down and wrote a year-long plan changed my life forever. I think it's time for September 2015 to be the time to write the plan that will change my life again.

Amazing Myself

Some of you might hate me for saying this, but I accidentally lost 4 pounds last week. I wasn't trying to lose weight last week, I was just trying to get back to the healthy eating habits I'd somewhat abandoned in February. I also amped up my workout routine. Last weekend I weighed in at 166, this weekend I weighed in at 162. I was shocked.

I'm a rebel and a rule-breaker!

I knew things were different because on Thursday I was able to button a corduroy jacket that hasn't fit in ages. I'd been wearing it anyway, just not buttoning it. But when I felt a slight chill and pulled it tighter across my chest, I was surprised that I didn't have to tug to get the two sides together. They easily came together across my chest and stomach.

Friday night, getting dressed to go dancing, my tummy pooch didn't seem quite as noticeable. My Spanx weren't having to work as hard to keep me slim.

And this weekend, I woke up feeling comfortable in my own body. I've been amazed at how it's been working the last week. From dancing, to exercising- including running 3 miles on the treadmill, to every day in the classroom my body has been going hard. And it's been keeping up.

I know I've said it before, but it doesn't hurt to say it again, I'm grateful to my body. I've put it through a bit of abuse with the extra weight, lack of exercise, and poor eating habits over past years and yet it's kept on going. Now, I'm paying more attention to it, not in a vain way, but in a way of being present with myself and noticing how I feel - paying attention to my body's signals. I'm practicing mindfulness.

I noticed my body was extra tired so I gave myself permission to turn off the alarm clock and wake up when my body was ready. And yes, that meant that I missed church today, which I am sad of, but didn't Jesus also take time off to take care of His physical need for rest? While it's not a habit I endorse, I'm spending time in personal meditation and reflection, and thanking God for what He's given me and and done for me. I whole-heartedly believe that fellowship with other believers is important, but so is listening to your body - the body God cretaed - and giving it what it needs. Today it needs rest, so that's what I'm giving it.

Sometimes I get so busy that I forget to appreciate my body and honor all that it's done for me. A new friend reminded me of how wonderful my body is when last weekend he told me "You're hot." I scoffed at first because of his word choice, having just read a blog post by another blogger who is a professional writer (Single Dad Laughing). He'd told a woman on a date "you're hot" and she also scoffed, not because she didn't believe him (as I didn't believe my friend), but because he's a writer and couldn't come up with better words. (Read blog post here.)

The next day I tried to explain to my friend via text why I had scoffed at his comment by sharing the blog link with him. He read it and wrote back that he liked the arrangement of my atoms. Hah! Well, since I was still waiting for the upswing of getting back into the habit of eating better and exercising more, I didn't truly believe him. I thought I was pretty enough, but not hot.

Now, a week later, I believe him. My atoms are arranged in a pretty awesome way, so thanks, my friend, for that reminder. I'll try to remember that on my own more often. My body is amazing, not just for how it looks, but for all it does.

A Few More Thoughts

A few more thoughts about last night's blog that I forgot to include because I was exhausted.

At times this week when I've been feeling low and not loving my body because I was uncomfortable in my own skin, I wanted him to hold me. When he holds my hand or holds me in his arms, my worries fade away. I feel desired. I feel beautiful. I feel perfect just as I am. While it's not bad to feel that way when with my guy, shouldn't those feelings first come from within? Shouldn't I make myself feel desired, beautiful, and perfect just as I am?

While I don't want to "should" all over myself, I do know that on one side of the coin, I shouldn't need anyone else to make me feel this way (just me and God), But on the other side, it's nice to have someone who makes you feel that way.

Happy New Year

I've had several ideas for Blog post titles and ideas going through my head the last couple days. Too bad I didn't write them down so now I don't know what  great words of wisdom I thought I had to share.

So maybe it doesn't have to be majorly inspiring (awe-inspiring or otherwise), maybe it's ok if this is just about every day life. Here goes.

It's the new year. Any resolutions? No, actually, I've only ever made one resolution in my life (and stuck to it) that I remember. But I do have some goals for this year.

1. Think before I eat.
2. Remember why I started this journey- keep in front of me my goals that I started with last year.
3. Don't let food rule my life and don't let emotions rule my eating.
4. Don't make decisions when I'm feeling out of sorts, other than to get back into sorts by getting a good night's sleep, eat good for me food, and get some physical activity into my day; in other words- take care of myself.

The last two weeks I sort of forgot some of these things. I know, it's the holidays, stress mounts, it's easy to do, but then one might question the importance of those goals in the first place if they are so easily forgotten or set aside. They don't lose their importance during the holidays, in fact I should focus on them even more carefully when I know I will be stressed, as a form of self-care and stress-prevention.

As I sit here writing, I'm over-tired and my stomach is upset with me. I didn't get enough sleep last night and I haven't eaten well today. Not very good self-care. I'm not going to beat myself up, but I am doing some self-observation to remind myself how this came to be and reminding myself of my goals and what I need to do to get back on track.

Note to Self:

What do I need? I need to get to bed soon (but I knew I needed to get some of these thoughts of my head and shared with you so that I would sleep better). I also need to rub some peppermint oil on my belly, drink my peppermint tea, and forgive myself for not eating enough fruit, veggies, and good protein today. I'm coming up with a plan for tomorrow, starting with going to bed soon tonight and heading to the fitness center at the top of my priority list for tomorrow, along with defrosting some chicken so I can cook at home tomorrow instead of eat out.

Knowing these things are making me not feel like my normal, lovely self, I'm observing how I am feeling instead. I'm feeling needy and oh so very short-tempered. I want company, but only someone who will pamper me. I'm not sure it's fair to inflict myself on anyone, so I'm not asking for company. And the poor cat keeps getting pushed off my lap and tossed out of my bedroom. (Somewhat in my defense, every time she goes in my bedroom she chews on my wall decor or the tassels on my throw pillows or knocks my fragile angels on the floor breaking their wings off, so I'm only protecting my things.) Oh, and the darned cat keeps stopping right in front of my feet when I'm walking; and since she's dark gray and small and our apartment is poorly lit she's almost gotten stepped on on a few occasions. And I'm having very little patience with her.

And men. Should I even go there? I just don't understand them. Most of the time I don't think I ever will. Ok, so taking my own advice, I'm going to not make any decisions or assumptions about what this particular one is thinking or feeling. I'm going to go put my pajamas on, turn off my phone, and crawl into bed for a good night's sleep. Maybe my relationship with him (and food!) will look differently (better!) in the morning after a long night's sleep.

Observing Myself

I just noticed that I want to go eat a bunch of the leftover doughnuts and muffins in the kitchen.

Wow. I must be stressed.

I'm overtired. I overslept on Monday. I didn't go to bed early enough Monday night. So far, it's been a rough week.

I'm anxious. How do I play this whole dating situation? Do I write back? Do I not, do I just wait?

I also noticed a few minutes before that I just wanted to cry. Connecting that to the "I want to go eat all the doughnuts" desire, I realized I'm stressed. What is something loving and nurturing I can do for myself right now?

I will remind myself that these are just feelings. They aren't good or bad, they simply are.

I'm also going to give myself permission to cry in a safe space if it will help. And permission to nap when I get home. Then we I get up from my nap I'll have a healthy dinner and exercise. Those things sound loving and nurturing towards myself. Ahh...I love self-care.

How do you care for yourself when you are stressed?