Amazing Myself

Some of you might hate me for saying this, but I accidentally lost 4 pounds last week. I wasn't trying to lose weight last week, I was just trying to get back to the healthy eating habits I'd somewhat abandoned in February. I also amped up my workout routine. Last weekend I weighed in at 166, this weekend I weighed in at 162. I was shocked.

I'm a rebel and a rule-breaker!

I knew things were different because on Thursday I was able to button a corduroy jacket that hasn't fit in ages. I'd been wearing it anyway, just not buttoning it. But when I felt a slight chill and pulled it tighter across my chest, I was surprised that I didn't have to tug to get the two sides together. They easily came together across my chest and stomach.

Friday night, getting dressed to go dancing, my tummy pooch didn't seem quite as noticeable. My Spanx weren't having to work as hard to keep me slim.

And this weekend, I woke up feeling comfortable in my own body. I've been amazed at how it's been working the last week. From dancing, to exercising- including running 3 miles on the treadmill, to every day in the classroom my body has been going hard. And it's been keeping up.

I know I've said it before, but it doesn't hurt to say it again, I'm grateful to my body. I've put it through a bit of abuse with the extra weight, lack of exercise, and poor eating habits over past years and yet it's kept on going. Now, I'm paying more attention to it, not in a vain way, but in a way of being present with myself and noticing how I feel - paying attention to my body's signals. I'm practicing mindfulness.

I noticed my body was extra tired so I gave myself permission to turn off the alarm clock and wake up when my body was ready. And yes, that meant that I missed church today, which I am sad of, but didn't Jesus also take time off to take care of His physical need for rest? While it's not a habit I endorse, I'm spending time in personal meditation and reflection, and thanking God for what He's given me and and done for me. I whole-heartedly believe that fellowship with other believers is important, but so is listening to your body - the body God cretaed - and giving it what it needs. Today it needs rest, so that's what I'm giving it.

Sometimes I get so busy that I forget to appreciate my body and honor all that it's done for me. A new friend reminded me of how wonderful my body is when last weekend he told me "You're hot." I scoffed at first because of his word choice, having just read a blog post by another blogger who is a professional writer (Single Dad Laughing). He'd told a woman on a date "you're hot" and she also scoffed, not because she didn't believe him (as I didn't believe my friend), but because he's a writer and couldn't come up with better words. (Read blog post here.)

The next day I tried to explain to my friend via text why I had scoffed at his comment by sharing the blog link with him. He read it and wrote back that he liked the arrangement of my atoms. Hah! Well, since I was still waiting for the upswing of getting back into the habit of eating better and exercising more, I didn't truly believe him. I thought I was pretty enough, but not hot.

Now, a week later, I believe him. My atoms are arranged in a pretty awesome way, so thanks, my friend, for that reminder. I'll try to remember that on my own more often. My body is amazing, not just for how it looks, but for all it does.

Beware, Girl Scout Cookies VS Girl Scout Cookies Beware!

Just 1 more Girl Scout Cookie

Yesterday, I approached the impending delivery of my pre-purchased Girl Scout Cookies with dread. I'd just gone a week with no sweets and was feeling good from my sugar detox.

Today, the cookies were delivered. Four boxes- two Samoas and two Tagalongs. And yes, I ate some. Five, in fact, one whole row. And, oh, were they as good as I remembered. Sweet, gooey, coconut-y and delicious Samoas. My favorite.

But four boxes? I had ordered them when I was still dating that guy. I had planned to share them with him. Now what am I going to do with four boxes?! I gave one to my Japanese exchange student aide. Samoas. Yes, I parted with my favorite first. I don't need that many Samoas. Upon further reflection, I don't need that many Tagalongs. I think I'll give some to my new Japanese student I'm getting next week.

But back to those five cookies I ate. They were good. But I'm glad I left them in my desk at work so they wouldn't further tempt me this evening. I put them in the back of a drawer that I rarely open, hoping that I might forget about them and thereby be less tempted by them as well. We'll see...

As I worked out in the fitness center this evening I thought about my month-long sugar binge and my week-long sugar fast. (Ok, so I wasn't completely sugar-free, I had natural fruit sugars, and some low-sugar instant oatmeal, and even some protein bars as snacks, but I didn't have candy and sweets they way I had been for pretty much all of February, so I'm pretty ok with calling it a sugar fast. I was back to my somewhat regular amounts of sugar.) But as I was saying, my week-long sugar fast. I was feeling so much more comfortable in my own skin. No longer bloated. My face was clearing up. My joints are less achy and my body less fatigued. I feel more energetic. In other words, I feel more like the best version of myself.

Truth

But if I go on to eat more of those Girl Scout cookies, I'll be back to the not so pleasant version of myself that is achy, bloated, irritable, uncomfortable, and lethargic. Oh, but the little voice in my head reminds me that Girl Scout cookies are only here once a year for a limited time.

What to do? What to do?

To be honest, I'm not totally sure, what I'm going to do, but I really like the way I'm feeling now and don't want to go back to how I was feeling in February. If I hold on to that, it's easy to stay away from eating the cookies. But what do I do with them? Because, come on- they are GIRL SCOUT COOKIES! Only once  a year. I can't just throw them out. And I'm not sure I want to just give them all away. I want to taste at least a few cookies, because they are just a once a year treat. But I don't want to go overboard on the sugar and blow my diet and bring back all the above negative feelings.

So I've decided to do nothing. I'm going to keep them in my desk. That way I don't feel like I'm being deprived (which I would if f I were to just get rid of them all). I can know in my mind that they are there if I really want some. But I'm going to set a loving limit of just once a week (so for this week I've already had my one time). Too much sugar in one week will make me feel really yucky and I want to feel really fabulous when I go dancing this week- not the bloated and uncomfortable, self-conscious feeling I felt the last couple weeks.

On second thought, maybe I'll move them up to a really high cupboard in the classroom so they are a little harder to get without some work. I mean, after all, they ARE Girl Scout Cookies!

The Mirror That Changed My Perspective

I went shopping this afternoon for new blue jeans. I only have two pairs and wanted a third. Fortunately, Old Navy is having a sale on jeans right now and I like the way theirs fit me so I headed over to try on jeans this afternoon.

I grabbed some 10's off the shelf, and just for the heck of it I grabbed some 8's, too, you know, just in case. The 10's fit, not too snugly, as I knew they would. With a small hope, I decided to go for the 8's. I put one foot in and then the other, afraid to breathe as I pulled them up. I was delighted to discover that they buttoned and zipped easily. Yes, easily!

But could I sit? And how did they make my butt look? And would my tummy look poochy in them?

Yes, good, and no. I could sit, my butt looked good, and no, my tummy didn't look poochy.

Ok, maybe a little poochy. I tried looking at myself in the dressing room mirror. I was skeptical. So I tried the three-way mirror in the hallway of the dressing rooms. Was that really me? Did I really look like that?

Ok, so I had also tried on a sweater, because why not. And what I saw in the dressing room as major back fat and muffin top, didn't look so bad in the better-lit three-way mirror. In fact, I looked pretty cute. Was that really me? I couldn't help but stare at myself.

Thankfully there was no one around, so I continued to examine myself from all the angles standing in the mirror. There also happened to be bench nearby so I checked out my seated view. My belly, which I still saw as enormously fat, was not so bad. Actually, it was pretty small. There is a slight roll, but my waist is so tiny now that the little roll really is a little roll. Is this really me?

Yes, it really is me and I look fabulous. I'm still having a hard time accepting that this body is mine and that it looks so good. I don't need others to tell me; I need me to see it, believe it, and reaffirm it for myself.

I look good.

I look good!

I Look Good!!!

Don't Believe Everything You Think

Thoughts are just thoughts, not facts. 

Feelings are just feelings. They aren't good or bad- they just are.

The past doesn't dictate my present or my future.

He's not that other guy, or any of those other guys, or even like my father.

I cried myself to sleep last night.

I got home from my date, washed my face, but on my pj's and laid on my bed and cried. I woke up an hour later and crawled under the covers and fell back asleep.

At first I didn't know why I was crying, I just know that something didn't feel right. I slept fitfully most of the night, until around seven this morning when I finally feel soundly asleep for a few hours.

Being more well rested I realized why I was crying and why last night felt so awful.

He said he's thinking of going back overseas again. It triggered my ancient crossed wire of men leaving me, starting with my father and all the other men I've dated.

I remember at dinner that as soon as he said it, the thought crossed my mind "what can I do to make him stay with me". I remember a feeling of slight deflation, like someone let a little air out of my balloon. I also remembered that I don't have a good poker face and that my feelings and thoughts are written plainly there. I didn't want to spoil the evening or put undo pressure on him so I tried to change my face and looked away.

Don't make decisions when stressed.

Things always seem worse in the night.

Don't be too needy or clingy.

I am glad I exercised yesterday after work. 

I'm glad I ate a big healthy salad for lunch. 

I'm glad I got a good night's sleep the night before. And last night.

Those three things helped me yesterday and today to start feeling better about myself. I woke up feeling beautiful and sexy. I woke up with fresh eyes to look at the situation. I woke up and surfed Twitter.

Yah, I surfed Twitter.

I came across an article titled "5 Ways to Lessen that Relationship Baggage (and improve self-esteem)" (read it here). I just couldn't resist, because I had an inkling that part of why I was so upset when I went to bed was because of something in my past. The article spoke to me from the first sentence. It could have been words I was saying to myself. It was what I most needed to hear this morning. I kept reading; I was hooked. It's all advice I've heard many times before. All things I know to do or to avoid. They were good reminders.

Yes, I have relationship baggage. We all do. One of my oldest hurts and biggest fears is  that the man in my life will leave me. It started in childhood. It continued through to adulthood. In many past dating relationships men have left me. On a few occasions I left them before they could leave and hurt me. Last night that old wire was triggered.

He is not those guys. He is not my dad. He may leave me. He may not. I may leave him. But today is not the day for that to happen. He is a good man.

No matter what, I will be ok.

I am ok.

A Few More Thoughts

A few more thoughts about last night's blog that I forgot to include because I was exhausted.

At times this week when I've been feeling low and not loving my body because I was uncomfortable in my own skin, I wanted him to hold me. When he holds my hand or holds me in his arms, my worries fade away. I feel desired. I feel beautiful. I feel perfect just as I am. While it's not bad to feel that way when with my guy, shouldn't those feelings first come from within? Shouldn't I make myself feel desired, beautiful, and perfect just as I am?

While I don't want to "should" all over myself, I do know that on one side of the coin, I shouldn't need anyone else to make me feel this way (just me and God), But on the other side, it's nice to have someone who makes you feel that way.

The Butt, The Belly, and Self-Image

I got some new pants after Christmas. They make my butt look great. But I have to be careful or they show off a little muffin top when I'm bloated.. (Additional incentive to eat well and continue my fitness plan- my clothes look better on me.)

After a few days of being back from vacation and back to my usual workout routine my body and mind are feeling a lot better. I woke up this morning feeling pretty good about myself- until I looked at myself naked in the mirror. I saw a belly that's pouchy and a butt with some extra dimples.

When I see that I want to keep it covered. I feel grateful that it's winter and bathing suits are out of season. I feel grateful for spanx and spandex that help put things in place when dressing up. And I wonder if I can ever do enough crunches or lunges to put things back where they belong.

On days like today where I've been eating well and taking care of myself, I let those thoughts slip quickly from my mind. But I know there will probably be other days where those thoughts will nag and linger. Those are the days I fight to remember how far I've come. I fight to forgive myself for the damage I did to my body for so long and the abuse I put it through.

My body will never look the same as someone who had always maintained this healthy weight. My body bears the scars of someone whose weight has gone up and down and up again for several years. But my body is amazing and resilient. It has brought me this far and now I plan to take good care of it so it can take me many years into the future.

To my body- I'm sorry and thank you. I am grateful for your strength and support.