|My favorite kind of flower grows wild here!|
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Monday, September 15, 2014
Determined to not go on my date on Saturday feeling bloated or with red bumps on my face, I planned my food for the day. I also determined that I was going to be extra focused on eating well, logging everything, and continuing the good exercise routine I'd gotten back into last week.
I did well today, planning out my lunch and prepacking it the night before really helped. This morning all I had to do was pull my lunch bag out of the fridge and I was set with my morning snack, lunch, and afternoon snack. On the way to work I logged all the food I was planning to eat and what I'd eaten for breakfast and I was 100 calories under my goal for the day. Knowing I might have time to exercise after work before going to the movie I knew I'd be ok to have/take with me, a light, healthy snack to eat at the movie theater if I got hungry.
When I got home from work today I realized that I didn't have as much time to exercise before the move (and check the mail, pick up a package, eat dinner, and change my clothes), so I decided to skip the workout, secure in the knowledge that I'd already accounted for all my food today and I had room to spare so I didn't need to work out in order to enjoy dinner guilt-free.
Everything changed after I picked up my packages.
I was only expecting a box of books that I'd ordered. Instead, there was a second package. As I read my address and recognized the handwriting, I lost my appetite and started to feel upset. As I walked back to my apartment, I tried very hard to not cry but all was lost once I entered the safety of my home. I started crying and immediately wanted cookies, even though I was no longer hungry.
Not ready to deal with the package's contents or the sender, I stuck it in our spare bedroom that I rarely enter, knowing it would stay there safely and unnoticed until I was ready to deal with it later (whenever that might be).
I steeled myself to stick with the healthy dinner that I had planned (yummy leftover chili). "No cookies- remember your upcoming date!" I told myself. That got me through the process of heating it in the microwave. As I started to dry the tears I found my appetite return.
As I finished my dinner I reflected on how much my feelings hand changed in the past 30 minutes and what an effect it had on my appetite and cravings. I had come home hungry and looking forward to my yummy leftover chili, but after opening the mail and seeing a package that I'd forgotten was coming I'd lost my appetite and my cravings for cookies (sweets) were running rampant. I won this battle, the war will still continue as I rewire my brain and how I respond to emotions.
Deep breath. You can do it, girl.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
This week's salad is simple, but tasty. Spinach, a hard boiled egg, a strip of bacon cut into pieces, and honey mustard dressing. I wanted to as some purple onion, too, but don't have one. Will have to add that tomorrow.
Please share your favorite salad fixings!
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
|Crunchy Oatmeal Cookies|
with raisins, dates, and walnuts
How did I eat all those cookies?
We scooted out of work before 4pm today- quite an accomplishment- because we had to be back at 6:30pm for Back to School Night. I changed into some comfy clothes to relax in until needing to go back to work (when I would put my work clothes back on), sat down on the couch with a school project, and started working.
Oh, but before I got to work I grabbed a cookie from the bowl on the counter. Just one, I thought to myself. I started working on labeling the kids names in my recording binder and munched my cookie. I decided to grab two more cookies as I continued to work. Then two more...then two more... pretty soon there were only four left in the bowl.
Ack! I immediately felt shame and embarrassment- what if my roommate sees that almost all of the cookies are gone? What will she think of me? I better hide the evidence. I tried to convince myself that I was saving myself from eating any more cookies as I put them into the freezer. And I WAS saving myself- I was minimizing harm. I ate a lot of cookies, but not ALL of the cookies. But mostly I was trying to hide the evidence from my roommate that I ate a lot of cookies. I was ashamed of myself.
At Back to School Night I started to get a stomach ache. I jokingly told a couple coworkers about all the cookies I ate, saying I must be stressed, trying to laugh off my shame and hoping they wouldn't judge me and think I was a pig. Or fat. Or other terrible things.
I was shocked when one of my coworkers said, "Oh, I know. I can sit down and go through Oreo's without even thinking when I'm stressed." If I were a cartoon my eyes would have bugged out of my head. Here I had judged her thinking she was "normal" and that she would judge me as being a horrible person for eating all those cookies, and I found out she stress eats, too. And then another person chimed in, too. Maybe I'm not such a "bad" person after all. Maybe there's a lot of people who do this. Maybe I don't have to be ashamed. Maybe I'll be ok.