Crying because you miss someone doesn't make you weak. No matter your gender.
If you feel sad and need to shed tears as you experience your feelings that's ok. Let me sit beside you and hold space for you as you feel that feeling. There is no judgment. Your feelings are not right or wrong. They are simply your feelings.
Feel all your feelings. Let them pass. I'll be here with you.
I have a scar on my heart.
Four years ago I fell in love. He made me fall in love with him. He wrote me a poem about our first date as he flew home from visiting me. He was sweet and gentle with me, yet a strong and confident man. Though our relationship was long distance, we prayed together every night on the phone.
He fell in love with me first. When I was sick, he called to comfort me. He told me he wished he could take care of me. And before he hung up he said he loved me. I wanted to say it, too, but in person, looking into his eyes. I told him I wanted to say it, too, but in person when he came back again in a few weeks.
He never came back. At first it was reasonable excuses. Then it was silence. And a broken heart.
Then a few years later he popped up in social media. We chatted. I put together puzzle pieces about him and he broke my heart again at the things I came to realize about him. I never should have loved him. But I did.
And it left a scar. His promises to call and to visit that went unfulfilled. And now whenever a guy promises to call or visit and then is late or unable to, it tears at that wound and I feel the raw ache again.
It hurts.
It's not his issue. It's mine to deal with.
Some day I hope that there's a man who will not reopen that wound.
Today my spirit feels lighter. I'm at the end of my antibiotics and feeling so much better. Summer break from school is only a few weeks away. And last night I took a trip out to the country to breathe some fresh air and spent time with a good friend and got love from his dog.
To keep my spirit light, this week I intend to:
* do morning yoga Sunday - Thursday
* walk outside or on the elliptical three or more times a week
* do HIIT on the elliptical twice
* go to bed at 10 pm on work nights to stay healthy til the end of the year
* spend more time in prayer meditation and scripture (2 or 3 nights)
* keep my gut healthy by avoiding excessive sugar
* call my mom and grandma to let them know I love them
This week is about recovery.
I went to the doctor Thursday because I thought I was having really bad allergy symptoms, so I was going to get a stronger allergy whatever. Turns out, it was tonsillitis. Not strep, just inflamed tonsils and lymph nodes, so I still got put on an antibiotic.
I'm finally starting to feel better - praise the Lord! I didn't push myself as hard last week to get to the gym for weights or HIIT. I thought it was just because I preferred being in the sunshine, but I think it was me listening to my body to slow down (and maybe wanting to be in the sunshine had something to do with it).
So, this week I intend to:
* listen to my body. It takes as long as it takes to recover.
* do morning yoga
* walk outside if it's warm enough
* if my body's ready, HIIT twice
* if my body's ready, long walks outside or on the elliptical
* go to bed at 10 pm to give my immune system a fighting chance
* spend more time in prayer meditation and scripture (2 or 3 nights)
It's going to be a good week for improved health. I can just feel it!
Last week I was unfocused and off track. I was extremely stressed by a situation at work that was out of my control but severely impacted me. My body and the scale reflected that this weekend.
This week, I intend to:
* prioritize caring for myself.
* create my vision board with inspirational photos and quotes and scripture, as well as part my written goals on them
* spend less time on Facebook and Instagram (setting a timer for 25 minutes) and more time in bible study and meditation
* eat only home cooked meals
* continue yoga Sunday - Thursday morning
* do HIIT on the elliptical twice
* lift weights on Monday and Saturday
* go for long walks outdoors or on the elliptical three or more times
* ask for what I need from others to stay healthy or get the support I need
I can and will do this. And my affirmation bracelet I bought the same time as my vision board will remind me I can.
(An open letter to God)
I'm so tired of being alone. I want a partner to lean on. Someone to support me and give me strength when I'm tired. To listen to my hurts and be there with me through them.
I want to be able to be there for someone. To be his encourager and supporter. His safe place to come home to at the end of a day's work. Someone to give my love to and who gives his love to me.
I'm realizing that other things, like his job and education level don't matter to me quite so much. What matters more is if he's a good, honest man. Does he work hard? Does he care for me and protect me - emotionally and physically? Can we laugh together? Cry together? Serve together? Does he love You, too?
I'm just tired of being alone, God. Where is MY helper? MY partner?
When you created Adam, you said it's not good for man to be alone, so you created Eve for him. Who did you create me for? Who did you create for me?
I'm tired, God. And I'm lonely. Where is MY Adam?
Again with the missed week and late post. Life flew by and, well, here we are.
This week, I intend to:
* do yoga five days
* lift weights twice
* do HIIT twice and long walks twice
* go dancing
* eat better balanced meals
* pray more, worry less
* be ok with crying if I need to
* look for moments to be grateful
Wait, what about week thirteen? And why are you posting the week's intentions when the week is halfway through?
Life, my friend, life... stuff happens.
I've really been on a roll since my trainer very firmly told me I could do exactly what he said or I'd be on my own. I needed a long distance reality check that my current way wasn't working; I needed to back to the good way he'd helped me establish.
I am finally back on track, thanks to my social media fast and firm resolution to stick to my healthy plans. I lost nine pounds last month and have about five and a half more to go to get back to my healthy goal weight.
But this week is spring break. I'm traveling. It would be so easy to put my healthy eating plans aside and say I'll pick back up after break. But I'm not. This week during spring break, I intend to:
* do yoga each morning
* track my meals, because even if I can't plan them, I can control how much I eat
* get at least 5000 steps each day
* go for a long walk at least three afternoons
* hit the fitness center weight room the day I leave and the day I get back
* read my bible study at least 3 days
* sleep 8 hours at night
So even though the week is halfway through, this is the plan I entered the week with. So far, so good! What's your plan?
Ugh. I'm getting sick. I think I'm coming down with the crud my students have passed around. My throat is scratchy and my sinuses are a bit congested. And I'm exhausted, but that's not really new. That's just life as a teacher.
So this weekend, I intend to rest and plan healthy meals that will help my body get healthy.
It's the night before the end of the quarter and I'm totally relaxed. It's the weirdest feeling ever.
Normally, teachers are frantically entering grades, writing comments, and all sorts of other end of quarter projects. But I'm pretty chill. And this is a first. No, I didn't forget something (or some things). I spread out my projects and started them earlier, giving myself earlier deadlines.
I did this because I knew what I wanted tonight to be like. I did not want the usual late night at school, either having a late dinner once I finally got home at 9 pm, ordering pizza delivers to school and eating most or all of it because I'm stressed, or skipping dinner altogether. I wanted a night with dinner at home before going to dance lessons. I wanted a night with a normal meal time. I wanted a night where I can get well rested for the big event after a full day of teaching tomorrow.
I wanted a low stress day. So I planned for it.
Best. Plan. Ever.
Planning to stagger my deadlines and get things done early allowed me to take care of my life outside of work. Because I didn't have to stay late to finish all those things, I got to eat a healthy, homemade dinner within the time frame my body needs to eat each day.
And because I ate a healthy homemade dinner within my eating window, I will sleep well tonight.
And because I got home to eat in my time frame, I was able to go to my dance lesson.
And because my school work is done, my dinner eaten in my eating window, and my dance lesson attended, I will sleep well tonight, well rested and ready for a very full day to wrap up the third quarter.
All thanks to good planning.
If I can do this with my school work and eating habits, I should do this with my finances....
The last few weeks have been way too busy, and mentally draining that led to physical exhaustion. Last week, I stopped doing all the extra things on Tuesday and Wednesday. On Thursday, I went to my dance lesion but not the fitness center. Friday, I was at work late, got home to a late dinner and spent the evening chilling on my couch.
My body appreciates me resting, but it didn't help me in my diet bet. The scale stayed the same all week, which is better than going up. (The stagnant scale could also also be a related to monthly cycles and changes in water retention.)
I track my food with an app, and at the end of the day, after logging everything I ate and exercise, it estimates what I'd weigh I'm 5 weeks if every day were like that day. If I stick with my current eating and exercise plans, I'll be back at my goal weight in 5 weeks.
Last weekend, after one week on the plan, that seemed overwhelming. I told myself to take it one week at a time.
Now, at the end of my second week, I'm going to give it one more week. One week at a time.
My intentions for this week are to:
* plan meals that help me meet my calorie goals
* shop and meal prep this weekend
* drink 60 (or more) ounces of water every day
* practice yoga for 20 minutes each morning Sunday - Thursday
* do 25 minutes of HIIT training on the elliptical twice this week
* "jog" on the elliptical for 45 minutes three or four times this week
One week, one day, at a time. As Dave Ramsey says (to paraphrase), you wander into debt, but you have to be intentional about getting out. You have to have a plan and gazelle-like intensity.
Just replace debt with weight. That's my plan.
Oops! The weekend got away with me. But I did think about my intention. And I thought about writing them on Sunday night as I was in the shower getting ready for bed. It just didn't happen.
But today I'm forcing myself to have a hard stop. I am canceling everything that's on my usual to-do list for tonight and resting. I've had a health issue that has forced me to look at my busy schedule and even though everything on my schedule is good, I need to rest. So tonight is a night of four stressed as I listen to my body.
So now I have time to write down and share my intentions for this week. Last week was a good, but hard week sticking with my intentions. I did a really good job following through with my plans, but it was hard at times. But when I did my weekly weigh-in I saw the fruit of that labor. So this week I intend to keep doing it.
This week I intend to continue to stick with my meal plan, and stick to the exercise plan. My trainer and I have worked out. ... except for tonight. And I believe my trainer would agree.
Today is shrove Tuesday, or Mardi Gras as many may know it. It's the day before Ash Wednesday where Christians historically practice fasting and abstaining from vices. So the night before Ash Wednesday many Christians, and now non Christians alike, enjoy a night of indulgence. In fact, if you live in New Orleans, schools are closed for this whole week of debauchery. At school (work) today, staff brought in treats and sweets to snack on throughout the day in the teacher's conference room. I passed by there so many times and was curious about what was in there. And some of the food did smell very good and I thought maybe I'll just have a little one. But I remembered results of my hard work from last week and thought about the goals that I have in mind for this week. It made it easy(er) to abstain. I'm already in my period of fasting. I will indulge later.
A few weeks ago I joined "diet bet" and bet on myself, that I could lose 4% in 4 weeks. The first week I gained 4 pounds . The second week I lost 2 pounds. I need to lose about 9 pounds to win my bet, otherwise I forfeit my buy in and someone else gets my money.
I intend to try as hard as I can to win. It won't be easy, but I'm gonna give it my best effort. I contacted my trainer friend in Salt Lake City to ask for his help. He said I need to do exactly what he says and eat a specific number of calories a day with the macro balance that we decided works best for me. If I don't do that, he can't help me.
I'm not gonna lie. It's intimidating. I know it's gonna be hard. Really hard. But even if I don't hit the diet bet scale number, I'll have a victory because I tried. And because I started making myself, my health, a priority again.
This week, I intend to:
- eat exactly as planned, key word PLANNED. I made the plan yesterday and I'm sticking to it for two weeks.
- exercise as planned: 2 weight workouts, 2 HIIT workouts on the elliptical, yoga every day before work, and long low intensity elliptical sessions on the non weight/non HIIT days.
- stick to my 8:30 wind down time on school nights (which I'm already breaking tonight. I'm gonna do better tomorrow!)
- drink 60-80 ounces of water a day
- finish strong on the last week of my Bible study
This week, I'm primarily focusing on caring for my physical healthy. Phew! It's gonna be a fight, but I've got it in me!
Some people love well. Some people don't love very well. They are probably doing it the best they can, but because they didn't have better examples in their own life or didn't try to learn to love well, their love ends up hurting others.
Have you had someone in your life like that, someone who doesn't love you well and ends up hurting you? I have. And some days I let it get to me and I feel frustrated and hurt by the way they love me. And I'm good days I can look at them with compassion, sigh, and accept that they are doing the best they can even though it doesn't feel like good love to me.
As I'm reading my Bible study book this evening, I got to this sentence "God made sure this message got to you in the middle of whatever you are facing right now." And after reading that sentence all I can say is "thank you, Jesus!" Thank you for loving me well. Thank you for loving me in a way that always feel safe and always feels nurturing and always feels compassionate. In a way that makes me feel like I am of the utmost importance to you. In a way that makes me feel treasured, but not shown off like flashy jewels.
And, yep, this reminds me of a song. Check out Mercy Me's song, "The Generous Mr. Lovewell" here:
https://youtu.be/R5oPiYOMHwg
My hope is that by sharing my journey, my struggles and my triumphs, out won't be wasted time and energy here, but that it will encourage others. I'm here. I struggle. Sometimes I get stuck for a bit. But I eventually get unstuck and keep moving. It's not perfect, but it's progress.
Whatever you're facing, you can get through it. Our struggles may not be the same. But hard is hard. You're not alone. And you're stronger that you know. I was. I am. Keep moving, friend. Don't give up.
This week(end's) intentions:
As I lay in bed thinking of everything on my plate it became overwhelming.
So I decided to put myself first....and I let myself go back to sleep. When I woke again, I pondered what it would be like to rearrange how I prioritize things on the weekend.
1. Sleep as long as I need.
2. Take care of health goals by working out.
3. Take care of health goals by planning meals & grocery shopping.
4. Take care of my spiritual health by working on my bible study.
5. Take care of my home by cleaning the bathroom that's long overdue.
6. Take care of my job by working on projects I brought home for the weekend.
All of the sudden things seem more manageable, less overwhelming, and achievable.
Work doesn't have to consume all my time. I'm allowed to have a life outside of work. Not getting all the work done doesn't make me a bad person or bad teacher. Prioritizing my time actually makes me a better teacher because I'm taking care of me.
Well, I didn't do yoga this morning, or yesterday. Yesterday I skipped because my flight had gotten in so late the night before I needed every previous minute for sleeping before work. Today I just forgot to set the alarm. (In fact, when I woke up I was afraid I'd slept in till yesterday's late alarm!)
Not an auspicious start for my new intentions and plan to reach my whys.
After school today I spent some time lesson planning, which brought up a whole 'nother project that kept me busy till well after I'd planned to leave. As I turned off my computer I thought, "so much for working out tonight. I have so many other things to do when I get home."
But as I stood up and put my coat on, I remembered to ask myself, "will this decision help me have the freedom to live with abundant joy and energy?"
The quick answer is no, so I mentally pushed back everything else on my "do at home list" and put "do intervals on the elliptical for 25 minutes" at the top of the list.
When I got home, I almost got sidetracked with playing on my phone. Almost. But then I remembered, "will this decision help me have the freedom to live with abundant joy and energy?" I put my phone down, got my workout clothes on, then headed to the fitness center.
And in just the first few minutes I started feeling glad I'd taken the time to put my health first. And a minute after that, I'd already forgotten the rest of the to do list and just enjoyed moving my body on the path to freedom.
Tomorrow, my alarm is set to start my day with yoga! Now, back to the rest of the list!
I've lost my vision.
I lost my focus on my reasons and now I can't see them anymore.
I'm frustrated, feeling defeated and hopeless
I spent some time on the phone this evening with a friend taking about her why. It helped me figure out my what, but not my why.
So I dug in a little deeper after we got off the phone.
I want a quick fix, but I know that won't be a lasting fix. I need to reconnect to my why or find a new why. Or both. This is gonna be like making brisket, a slow process done with love and careful attention. This isn't easy peasy Mac'n'cheesy! Besides briskets way better, and better for you!
My old why of wanting to play volleyball and to run is gone. My body simply cannot do those because of my irreversible joint damage.
But I still want to be able to chase my little nephews and niece around.
And I still want people to see on the outside the me that's buried inside. I know that hasn't happened for several months.
And then thinking of a few new whys, I looked at my the words for this year: freedom, life, abundance.
I want FREEDOM to move with grace and ease (especially while I'm dancing - I feel held back by my extra weight).
I want FREEDOM to wear all of the clothes in my closet. (I feel sick in the same few stretchy pants and long shirts that hide the tummy I don't like and thighs that are thicker.)
I want to live a LIFE with ABUNDANT joy and energy to chase my dreams! (I feel stuck without energy in a lackluster cycle of monotony. I'm not living to the fullest.)
So now I've got my what (freedom, life, abundance), and my whys. Next step, figure out the how... which I already know I just need to get back to doing.
The past week has been tough. I've been battling a bacteria infection of some kind and a viral infection (a.k.a. a cold) and my grandma died. So lasts week's intentions of exercise were hard to meet.
This week, I intend to:
* lovingly listen to my body
* get plenty of sleep
* take time every day for Bible study and prayer
* eat for fuel not for feelings
This weekend I got the news that my grandma is declining in health much faster than expected. She probably only has a few days left. It was shocking news, because only last weekend I talked with her on the phone. Yesterday, I could only talk to her, she couldn't reply with words.
Knowing myself and that I feel things deeply and express my feelings deeply, I'm going to have a lot of deep feelings coming up over the next several days. And all those feelings will take a mental and physical toll on me. So how do I intend to care for myself?
This week, I intend to:
* make a healthy dinner that's easy, buy salad kits or hot lunch, and keep breakfast and snacks simple, healthy, and easy
* go for a walk every day
* take extras of my plate of "should dos" because I need to limit my mental stress
* keep up on my bible study assignments each day
That's it. Only four things. I chose the four things that would be most loving and nurturing for myself because I know these will help me best manage my stress level this week and care for myself.
I've been going through something difficult. I'm trying really hard to not let it get me down. Trying to not focus on it and let worry drag me down.
It's not easy. Just going grocery shopping was hard because I'm carrying so much tension in my body this weekend. I haven't been able to fully let go of this thing,,too stop worrying about it.
I sat in the Hy-Vee parking lot just now crying and using my tools, my skills, to process my feelings. I came to the conclusion that it's just hard right now. But I won't let this situation define me. "This defines me," I said to myself as I rubbed my arm over my tattoo.
And then I sang this childhood song to myself, "I am my Beloved's and He is mine..."
I'm not going to let this situation define me. I will let it refine me. I will go through this hard thing and come out better and stronger than before. This is the hard way, but I'm not going through it alone. My Beloved is with me, and I am His.
This grown up version of my childhood song of comfort:
https://youtu.be/qxPpOZXNL-w
To be honest, I didn't fully meet all of my intentions for last week. But that's ok. No judgment. Life happened, things I wasn't expecting occurred, but I did my best to live with freedom, life, and abundance in mind.
My intentions for week three are similar to last week's. I intend to:
*do yoga every morning before work
*lift weights twice this week
*pack a balanced lunch and snacks each day
*eat homemade dinners
*go for a 20 minute walk every day
*meditate daily
*attend church and bible study
*call at least two friends or family members this week
*spend less than an hour each day on social media to free up time for hobbies
Before you judge me, I just ask that you remember this - no one can be harder on me than I've been on myself. I'm really good at beating myself up and shaming myself for messing up.
Before you judge me, I just ask that you remember this, I did something incredibly hard and scary with no one else to lean on.
Before you judge me, I just ask that you show me some compassion for the things I have dealt with.
Before you judge me, I just ask that you put yourself in my shoes.
Before you judge me, remember to love me.
Before you judge me, remember that I am forgiven.
Before you judge me, remember that I am you.
Good forgives me and I do too.
This is a post I wrote a week ago, but it didn't publish due to a bug in the app. I still can't get the original post to upload with a lovely image I had to go with it. So here it is, just the words. I hope you find beauty in the words alone.
***
As I sit and plan how to live out my three words of 2019 in January, a prayer formed that I just cried out to God I share it with you in hope that it speaks to you, someone else who might be feeling alone. You are not alone in your circumstance. I am here. I will walk with you. And God hears and see you, too. He cares for you. And because He does, I do too.
Dear God, Abba Father, Daddy
Help me enter 2019 with a joyful heart, full of gratitude. Give me wisdom, discernment, and patience about the future.
Help me think positively and to plan for the future with your guidance. Give me peace about what the future holds, hope that I can achieve these things, and determination and self-discipline to follow through on these tasks. I'm scared. I feel afraid and overwhelmed by everything going on. Help me focus on You, and one day, one moment at a time.
As I work towards a healthier body again, help me do it with love and gratitude for myself and all that I've been through, rather than punishment for the neglect I've shown my body in recent months. Let me recall the strength I had in the past and use that to motivate me in the future, one day at a time. I cannot do this alone, but You are with me. When trouble causes me to fear and to doubt myself and the strength You have given me, remind me of what I am You: strong, beautiful, beloved child who is loved, beautiful, redeemed, perfect no matter what.
When others criticize me or don't support what I do, help me to not take it to heart, but also help me to look at it as an opportunity to reflect, evaluate, and grow.
When I face obstacles at work, help me to keep my eyes fixed on You and You alone. Let my words and actions honor You. Show me the purpose You have for me here. Show me how to best use my gifts, my time, and all that I am in service to You.
Help me stay present with myself. Help me respond not react. Help me grow through all of this.
Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.
Amen. Amen. It shall be so!
I've decided to set intentions each week that will help me have freedom, life, and abundance.
This week, I intend:
* to not do any "work" work on Sunday, but instead to read or knit or color.
* to go for at least a 20 minutes walk every day after work to clear my head, get fresh air, and get my daily steps.
* to begin each work day with yoga.
* to pack my lunch each day and eat dinner at home.
* to spend no more than one hour each night on work brought home.
* to go to the fitness center twice.
* to write in my journal at least three times.
* to meditate at least twice.
* to input spending on my budget tracker twice this week.
I'm sitting on the bench in the fitness center crying.
After all the neglect and abuse I showed my body last year, and the horrible things I thought and said about it, I looked in the mirror now and saw beauty, strength, possibilities.
I struggled in 2018. A lot. With a lot of things. It added up to increased stress and increased weight, and deceased strength and decreased self image.
But as I look in the mirror, only a few days into 2019, I see my beauty, strength, and possibility never left. I just needed to look past my circumstances to see me.
Dear body,
I'm so sorry for the negative things I said and thought about you. I'm so sorry for neglecting to care for you by eating well, by doing physical activities that I love, or by reducing stress in my life. I'm sorry I almost gave up on you.
I see you. I see how beautiful and strong you are. I see that you are worth the fight. Thank you for reminding me how much I need you and need to take care of you if I want you to be around for a long time.
We've got this. We're a team.
Lovingly,
Me
Hello, 2019!
My words to guide this year are freedom, life, abundance.
I want to be free from my addiction to sweets. Free from judgment towards myself. Free to wear all my clothes again, not just my most stretchy leggings and tunics that stretch over and hide my belly.
I want freedom from debt. Freedom to travel. Freedom to give generously.
I want to live a life of abundance and not be held back by fear!
To help me on the path towards this, I've set some intentions for January.
I intend to be kind, loving, and gentle towards myself. To not speak words of judgment but powerful, positive, kind words of life.
To start, I intend to focus on freedom in my physical health and fitness.
I intend to fuel my body with healthy, whole foods, not processed foods like fast food, pasta, or bread. I intend to eat homemade food with lots of veggies. I intend to limit my sugar and consume only sugar found naturally in food.
I intend to do yoga every morning. I intend to get my step goal every day. I intend to go to the gym to lift weights twice a week.
I intend to count all my calories. I intend to watch my macros so they are in the range that works for me. I intend to plan all my meals, and only eat what I plan each day.
I intend to say have strict self-discipline this month to get myself "back on the wagon". I know this will be hard. I know this will at times seem limiting. But I know this will give me the fitness freedom I desire.
I know I can do this. I did it before when I began my 100 pound weight loss. God has given me the ability and strength. With His help I can do it again!
But this time, I don't want to do it alone. I want a team. I want oeople experiencing similar struggles with similar goals. If this sounds like you, consider this your invitation to join me. Let's begin our journey in 2019 together. Let's be Urban Hiker Girls and Guys together.
