Sunday, May 14, 2017

What If...

 I feel like a fool.

Two years ago I fell in love hard and fast with a guy from my home state that I had met on eHarmony. Also two years ago I had my heart broken because the timing was off. He's a business owner and due to an employee failure, he had to turn all his attention to work to save his business. He had no time for me. I tried to give him space and time to focus on his business. I tried to be supportive. But I also needed to still feel connected to him, and the distance made that hard. We fall apart.

Six months later I was still thinking of him, so I wrote him a letter to see if there was any chance of reigniting our relationship. It took him a while, but he finally called me. I thought we had a chance, but after a week he said he couldn't be with someone who doubted him. I never thought I had doubted him, but apparently he perceived some of my behavior and actions as doubt rather than just concern.

I tried to move on. This past summer I even told my best friend how I was proud of myself for having seen his name appear on a social media site and not feeling torn up about it.

But his face popped up again, on another social media site, so I sent him a follow request. He accepted, and shortly after sent me a follow request in return. I thought it would be ok, but somewhere along the way I started thinking about the "what if..."

He has a daughter now, but no mention of a wife or girl friend, so "what if..." He had mentioned that he wanted to adopt, when we had first met a few years ago, so I just assumed that's what he'd done.

And I continued to dream "what if..."

I had an image in my mind that brought to life the nicknames we had for each other. One night when I couldn't fall asleep I doodled it into my journal. Then shared it on the same social media site where we reconnected, and wondered "what if..."

What if....

But then he posted a picture of his daughter and wished happy mother's day to her mom and said I love you to the baby's mom. I guess I know now "what if...."

Saturday, May 13, 2017

My Favorite Addiction

I'm my father's daughter. Also possibly my mother's daughter. Either way - I have inherited a major sweet tooth.

Hello. My name is Becky, and I'm a sugar addict. I've been clean for 1 day.


I fell off the wagon last week when the salt water taffy appeared on the school secretary's desk. She said I could have a handful or two. So I did. (But some of it I shared with my students.)

And then every day after that I helped myself to another handful (ok, maybe two, but again sharing some of it with my students). Every day, except Friday. Friday I stared the devil in the face and won. I was back on the wagon.

Until I worked my second job. Then at 10 pm, waiting for the manager to finish up so we could all walk out, some of the others were munching on candy and shared with each other. I gave in and had a few M&Ms, a couple bits of chocolate almond bark, and .... something else I can't recall now, but it was candy.

And today I haven't had any candy. I can feel the sugar's affects on my body though, and I'm reminded why I got on the wagon in the first place.

The sugar is causing my shoulders to ache. Achy body parts make me feel grumpy.

The sugar is causing me to feel emotional and irritable. For about an hour or so this afternoon I felt like crying. For no reason, at least not a good one. That's when I checked in with myself and realized it was connected to the sugar with drawl.

For more on this, click here.
And the sugar has disrupted my sleep. I did not sleep well last night. I asked my very knowledgeable trainer if diet can affect sleep, and he said it does. I knew there had to be a connection. I was right. He has done the research, though, so he has more than just my personal observation, he's got scientific data to back him up (at least I assume, because he's a science geek).

I can't wait till this gets out of my system again. I hope that by writing it down, I'll remember why I don't like eating sugar. And I need to remember, that even on a good day when I feel like I can control it and be ok just eating a little, that little triggers a reaction to the next day and next day after that. It becomes a daily thing until I'm living in a world of hurt and regret brought on by sugar. And I'm tired of living this way.

Monday, May 8, 2017

Worn


So much about this song speaks to how I'm feeling right now.

Lately, it just seems to be one thing after another.

Let me begin with a little back story...

In November, my boyfriend and I started to plan a trip for us to visit my grandparents in Denver during my school's spring break (I'm a teacher). However, in early January this boyfriend and I decided to take a break. And at the end of January, my grandpa passed away. I still went to visit my grandma over spring break (which started Easter weekend). But this time there was no grandpa or boyfriend as planned. So that brought up a lot of feelings and emotions being at grandma's house with no grandpa and no boyfriend.

I've been meaning to officially, finally end things with him, but didn't have the right words or the right time. But Friday night, at 2 am, (which I guess is technically Saturday morning) one of many recent nights where I haven't slept well, I was able to find just the right words to express in a compassionate and kind way my need to end our relationship.

I felt lighter and freer, as if a burden had been lifted. Not that the relationship was a burden, but that the need to officially end it had been a burden.

But then this morning I got a message from my dad saying that my stepmom had suffered a stroke... and the weight was back. The weight of sin and sickness and death. I immediately took up the burden of sadness over this, as well as two great aunts - one who passed away a week ago and one who is in the hospital from an injury similar to the one my grandpa suffered before he passed away. And the weight has been dragging me down.

I tried all day to keep focused (and done very well), but after work I was in tears again. My heart just feels overwhelmed by the sadness that sickness and death has brought into my life this year. And I even noticed that in my mind I started to have the "why me, God, why them" kind of questions.

But I know why. Death and sickness were never part of His perfect design. Adam and Eve brought sin into this world. It makes our bodies decay. I had to explain this to my kids today when they asked me why I was sad, what a heart attack is, and other questions about my step mom.

Lord, I pray for peace. Peace for me and for my family. We know death and sickness were never a part of Your original plan for us. You are the Great Physician - please watch over all who are sick and suffering. Grant them healing, not just from their physical needs but from their spiritual needs as well. And Lord, You are the giver of Peace. Surround all who are suffering with Your Peace, the Peace that passes all understanding. Guide the doctors and nurses who care for the sick; grant them wisdom in their care. Give comfort and hope to those who mourn and to those who wait by the bedside of the sick. We know that You will work all these things for the good of those who love you - if not healing and restoration in this life, then in the next. Thank you, Father, for hearing this prayer. Amen.

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Weighing In

Saturday morning. Time for my weekly weigh in.

And I'm not going to step foot on the scale. I'm not even getting it out.

Instead, I'm going to weigh in with my feelings, the mirror, and my clothes.

The last two days were tough for me. My emotions were out of whack. I felt out of sorts. I was mentally exhausted after work. I didn't exercise. I did chores around the house. I ate crap. My period started. And there's a full moon coming. Did I mention I was emotionally out of sorts?

For years I have been so tied to the number on the scale, measuring my progress by the number on the scale. I find and post funny memes about scales, weight, and exercise, but sometimes they really hit home with me.

Today, I'm not using that as a measure. Instead, I looked at myself in the mirror with kindness, and I was fairly pleased with what I saw. And then I got dressed and was pleased with how my clothes fit. I'm not really thrilled with how my stomach feels this morning, but that's due to the crap food I've had for lunches and dinners recently, and I have a plan for better eating and exercise and drinking lots of water which will help get that where I feel good again.

So no scale measurement today, just weighing in with how I look and feel. And I'm feeling pretty good.

Monday, February 20, 2017

No Longer a Slave to Fear

The old me lived in fear of being discovered for who I really am. Fear that I would not live up to other people's standards. Fear that the walls I built to protect myself would be broken through. I was a people-pleaser trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be.

I no longer live in that fear. I know I am a beloved child of God. He made me perfect and wonderful, in His image. I am His beloved.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Motivational Coaching

A few weeks ago, a loved one said to me, "Becky, I need you to be my long-distance motivational coach. I'm at the heaviest weight I've ever been. I need help getting it off." My response was that I was also struggling to get some weight off that I'd gained recently, I wasn't sure I could help motivate. Of course, this was while family was gathered for my grandpa's funeral weekend, and we were chatting over snack foods at my grandma's house... January was a rough month, y'all.

But it's February now, and I'm turning things around. I've refocused on my goals, gotten over the cold and sinus infection I was dealing with, said goodbye to some unhealthy relationships with people in my life, and gotten some bad dental work fixed so I feel confident in my smile and ability to eat/chew food.

For the last eight days I've had focus, persistence, dedication to my goals. I've exercised according to the plan I made with my trainer (not the one he gave me, but the one WE made together, I've got ownership in it). I've eaten healthier and bipassed sweets and snacks (even on Valentine's day!) because I was keeping my goals in sight. It's not a permanent "no" to those things, just a "not right now".

Friday morning, while thinking about my weekly weigh in coming on Saturday morning, I texted my trainer. I said that no matter what the scale says on Saturday morning, I'm going to continue eating well and exercising, because I like the way I feel physically and mentally. He cheered my positive thinking. And Saturday morning I was rewarded with a healthier feeling in my body, and also a lower number on the scale.

So here's my motivational tips:
1. Talk to your doctor and a certified personal trainer about health goals. Make a plan together.
2. Break down those goals into mileposts that you can celebrate along the way.
3. Stay focused on those goals. Put them into powerful, positive phrases that will motivate you.
4. Check in with how your body feels mentally and physically. Withdrawl from the bad habits will be hard to break, but once you start making good choices a regular habit you'll notice how good your body feels. The goals aren't just numbers, they are powerful, positive feelings about your body.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Dance-iversary

It's my 1st WCS Dance-iversary this month! And next month will be my 3rd Dance-iversary. So much to celebrate - I've learned so much in the past three years. Let's go back to how it all began.


Three years ago I was dating a guy who was really into dancing; he'd taken ballroom dance as his PE elective in college. His current interest was learning West Coast Swing; however, he wasn't into teaching me and helping me learn, so I struck out on my own to find lessons. I bought a Groupon for a dance studio in Seattle (where I was living at the time) in hopes of learning to do West Coast Swing, but unfortunately their swing lesson session had already started.

I had my heart set on learning some kind of dance so I decided to give salsa a try. There, I met some great people, some of whom I still keep in touch with via Facebook, and started my love affair with dance. I began going to socials to practice what I'd learned at lessons. At socials I picked up some bachata, cumbia, merengue, and other Latin dance styles.... and, of course, met more of the dance community.

Moving to Salt Lake without a car plus SLCs lack of good public transportation for the non-commuter, meant that I had to forego dancing for a while. But where there's a will, there's a way. I found a couple of dance studios in Salt Lake that had Friday night socials, where I rotated through each week, growing in my salsa dance skill and meeting more people.

Then one night, by accident, I ended up at a ballroom social, where I took my Latin dance roots and tried a rumba....then a foxtrot, waltz, American tango, and East Coast Swing. I learned more and more and just couldn't get enough of dancing, enjoying taking midweek lessons and becoming part of the dance community in Salt Lake City in the ballrooms and country western bar.

Along the way, a few of these dance friends helped me return to my original desire of learning West Coast Swing, and now here I am celebrating my 1st West Coast Swing dance-iversary this month; and my 3 year dance-iversary next month. ...of course you can probably guess how I'm going to celebrate.

This post wouldn't be complete without thanking those who have been part of my dancing journey - my teachers, my classmates, my dance social friends, and my dance partners. Thank you all for being part of my journey, my life is much richer, brighter, joyful, and better because of you. So much gratitude.

To read more of my dance story, check out my blog post: West Coast Salsa.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

I Choose Me

Today, I choose me.
I choose to honor, love, and nourish my body.
I choose me over sweets that don't satisfy, but leave me feeling regret, achy, and irritated.
I choose to love myself by letting go of relationships that aren't healthy.
I choose to nourish my soul with God's Word for me, not the world's.
I choose to nourish my body with sleep and good food.
I choose to strengthen my body by engaging in physical activity.
I choose me.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Unfinished Prayer

Give him a fighting spirit, Lord. A spirit of strength. The knowledge that he can get through this and that he can overcome these obstacles. Not for me but for himself. That with You he can be strong.

And let him see that he is worthy. Worthy of so much more than his present situation. That because he is Your child he is worthy of so many blessings.

And give him confidence, Lord. Confidence that in You he is enough exactly the way he is. That he is enough and he is worthy.

Lord, give me a man who believes these things about himself. But most importantly give me a man who believes in you. Whose walk with you will join with mine. So that together we can grow in You.

Monday, January 2, 2017

I'm not a perfectionist, I'm a control freak

Hi my name is Becky and I'm a control freak.


Lately, I've been reminded how easy it is to let other things control me like my emotions. Rather than my brain. Especially when it comes to my eating and exercise habits.

So, for the next several weeks, month, or two months, I'm going to be a control freak. I'm going to exhibit a tighter control over what and where I eat. I'm going to more tightly control how late I stay up in the evening and when I get to sleep. I'm going to control my social activities to allow me to have this control I need over my sleep and eating habits. And I'm going to better control my emotions rather than letting them control me.

I'm going to go back to that old calendar document that I created three Christmases ago. I'm going to open it and format it for now. But we're going to go back to the basics - have each day marked and formatted to the four different areas. I want to see it all in front of me at once not just flip through screens on my phone.

I need to stop relying on my trainer for external accountability. I think that's why things have gone awry the last few months. A year ago I started relying on him to keep me accountable and on track. I stopped relying on myself, holding myself accountable. I need to be my own motivator and accountability partner. His service is just a tool. He's helping me find tune the things I know and expanding my knowledge.

...Four days after writing the above I have had better control of my eating, exercise habits, and emotions. I'm feeling less emotional because I've better controlled my food and exercise habits. I feel like I'm back on the wagon and heading the correct direction. 

I CAN DO THIS!

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Neglected Relationship

It just occurred to me that there's someone who I have been neglecting to life recently. The last several months there's someone that I've not made time for. I have not made them a priority in my life. And the recent strain on our relationship as evidence of this.

Or maybe I should say the strain in my waistband is evidence of this.

Neglecting to love and care for myself. I have not made time with myself a priority recently. Have not made healthy food a priority. I have not made exercise, yoga, and strength training a priority in my life.

My trainer shared something on his Facebook page the other day about how when we say we don't have time for things that's not what we really mean.

I've made several 2005 post recently but I really do need to find balance between boyfriend time caring for me time work time, and everything else that's a part of my day. The reason there's been so many blog post mentioning this is because it's a real struggle finding someone to share my life with has been a goal in my life but there has my physical health. Trying to find the balance for the year after 37 and a half years of being single is hard