The past week has been tough. I've been battling a bacteria infection of some kind and a viral infection (a.k.a. a cold) and my grandma died. So lasts week's intentions of exercise were hard to meet.
This week, I intend to:
* lovingly listen to my body
* get plenty of sleep
* take time every day for Bible study and prayer
* eat for fuel not for feelings
This weekend I got the news that my grandma is declining in health much faster than expected. She probably only has a few days left. It was shocking news, because only last weekend I talked with her on the phone. Yesterday, I could only talk to her, she couldn't reply with words.
Knowing myself and that I feel things deeply and express my feelings deeply, I'm going to have a lot of deep feelings coming up over the next several days. And all those feelings will take a mental and physical toll on me. So how do I intend to care for myself?
This week, I intend to:
* make a healthy dinner that's easy, buy salad kits or hot lunch, and keep breakfast and snacks simple, healthy, and easy
* go for a walk every day
* take extras of my plate of "should dos" because I need to limit my mental stress
* keep up on my bible study assignments each day
That's it. Only four things. I chose the four things that would be most loving and nurturing for myself because I know these will help me best manage my stress level this week and care for myself.
I've been going through something difficult. I'm trying really hard to not let it get me down. Trying to not focus on it and let worry drag me down.
It's not easy. Just going grocery shopping was hard because I'm carrying so much tension in my body this weekend. I haven't been able to fully let go of this thing,,too stop worrying about it.
I sat in the Hy-Vee parking lot just now crying and using my tools, my skills, to process my feelings. I came to the conclusion that it's just hard right now. But I won't let this situation define me. "This defines me," I said to myself as I rubbed my arm over my tattoo.
And then I sang this childhood song to myself, "I am my Beloved's and He is mine..."
I'm not going to let this situation define me. I will let it refine me. I will go through this hard thing and come out better and stronger than before. This is the hard way, but I'm not going through it alone. My Beloved is with me, and I am His.
This grown up version of my childhood song of comfort:
https://youtu.be/qxPpOZXNL-w
To be honest, I didn't fully meet all of my intentions for last week. But that's ok. No judgment. Life happened, things I wasn't expecting occurred, but I did my best to live with freedom, life, and abundance in mind.
My intentions for week three are similar to last week's. I intend to:
*do yoga every morning before work
*lift weights twice this week
*pack a balanced lunch and snacks each day
*eat homemade dinners
*go for a 20 minute walk every day
*meditate daily
*attend church and bible study
*call at least two friends or family members this week
*spend less than an hour each day on social media to free up time for hobbies
Before you judge me, I just ask that you remember this - no one can be harder on me than I've been on myself. I'm really good at beating myself up and shaming myself for messing up.
Before you judge me, I just ask that you remember this, I did something incredibly hard and scary with no one else to lean on.
Before you judge me, I just ask that you show me some compassion for the things I have dealt with.
Before you judge me, I just ask that you put yourself in my shoes.
Before you judge me, remember to love me.
Before you judge me, remember that I am forgiven.
Before you judge me, remember that I am you.
Good forgives me and I do too.
This is a post I wrote a week ago, but it didn't publish due to a bug in the app. I still can't get the original post to upload with a lovely image I had to go with it. So here it is, just the words. I hope you find beauty in the words alone.
***
As I sit and plan how to live out my three words of 2019 in January, a prayer formed that I just cried out to God I share it with you in hope that it speaks to you, someone else who might be feeling alone. You are not alone in your circumstance. I am here. I will walk with you. And God hears and see you, too. He cares for you. And because He does, I do too.
Dear God, Abba Father, Daddy
Help me enter 2019 with a joyful heart, full of gratitude. Give me wisdom, discernment, and patience about the future.
Help me think positively and to plan for the future with your guidance. Give me peace about what the future holds, hope that I can achieve these things, and determination and self-discipline to follow through on these tasks. I'm scared. I feel afraid and overwhelmed by everything going on. Help me focus on You, and one day, one moment at a time.
As I work towards a healthier body again, help me do it with love and gratitude for myself and all that I've been through, rather than punishment for the neglect I've shown my body in recent months. Let me recall the strength I had in the past and use that to motivate me in the future, one day at a time. I cannot do this alone, but You are with me. When trouble causes me to fear and to doubt myself and the strength You have given me, remind me of what I am You: strong, beautiful, beloved child who is loved, beautiful, redeemed, perfect no matter what.
When others criticize me or don't support what I do, help me to not take it to heart, but also help me to look at it as an opportunity to reflect, evaluate, and grow.
When I face obstacles at work, help me to keep my eyes fixed on You and You alone. Let my words and actions honor You. Show me the purpose You have for me here. Show me how to best use my gifts, my time, and all that I am in service to You.
Help me stay present with myself. Help me respond not react. Help me grow through all of this.
Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.
Amen. Amen. It shall be so!
I've decided to set intentions each week that will help me have freedom, life, and abundance.
This week, I intend:
* to not do any "work" work on Sunday, but instead to read or knit or color.
* to go for at least a 20 minutes walk every day after work to clear my head, get fresh air, and get my daily steps.
* to begin each work day with yoga.
* to pack my lunch each day and eat dinner at home.
* to spend no more than one hour each night on work brought home.
* to go to the fitness center twice.
* to write in my journal at least three times.
* to meditate at least twice.
* to input spending on my budget tracker twice this week.
I'm sitting on the bench in the fitness center crying.
After all the neglect and abuse I showed my body last year, and the horrible things I thought and said about it, I looked in the mirror now and saw beauty, strength, possibilities.
I struggled in 2018. A lot. With a lot of things. It added up to increased stress and increased weight, and deceased strength and decreased self image.
But as I look in the mirror, only a few days into 2019, I see my beauty, strength, and possibility never left. I just needed to look past my circumstances to see me.
Dear body,
I'm so sorry for the negative things I said and thought about you. I'm so sorry for neglecting to care for you by eating well, by doing physical activities that I love, or by reducing stress in my life. I'm sorry I almost gave up on you.
I see you. I see how beautiful and strong you are. I see that you are worth the fight. Thank you for reminding me how much I need you and need to take care of you if I want you to be around for a long time.
We've got this. We're a team.
Lovingly,
Me
Hello, 2019!
My words to guide this year are freedom, life, abundance.
I want to be free from my addiction to sweets. Free from judgment towards myself. Free to wear all my clothes again, not just my most stretchy leggings and tunics that stretch over and hide my belly.
I want freedom from debt. Freedom to travel. Freedom to give generously.
I want to live a life of abundance and not be held back by fear!
To help me on the path towards this, I've set some intentions for January.
I intend to be kind, loving, and gentle towards myself. To not speak words of judgment but powerful, positive, kind words of life.
To start, I intend to focus on freedom in my physical health and fitness.
I intend to fuel my body with healthy, whole foods, not processed foods like fast food, pasta, or bread. I intend to eat homemade food with lots of veggies. I intend to limit my sugar and consume only sugar found naturally in food.
I intend to do yoga every morning. I intend to get my step goal every day. I intend to go to the gym to lift weights twice a week.
I intend to count all my calories. I intend to watch my macros so they are in the range that works for me. I intend to plan all my meals, and only eat what I plan each day.
I intend to say have strict self-discipline this month to get myself "back on the wagon". I know this will be hard. I know this will at times seem limiting. But I know this will give me the fitness freedom I desire.
I know I can do this. I did it before when I began my 100 pound weight loss. God has given me the ability and strength. With His help I can do it again!
But this time, I don't want to do it alone. I want a team. I want oeople experiencing similar struggles with similar goals. If this sounds like you, consider this your invitation to join me. Let's begin our journey in 2019 together. Let's be Urban Hiker Girls and Guys together.
