Thursday, December 25, 2014

Too Full

So, um, yah, ... I over-ate. Too much Christmas dinner. Then, too many Christmas cookies.

I was stuffing to drown out uncomfortable feelings. Sometimes it's easier to be uncomfortable in my own skin by over-eating than to be uncomfortable with feelings. The results? I now have a stomach that is making rumbling noises and feeling stretched to the max. And still have emotional garbage to deal with. Great.

All because holidays are stressful. I came back to the house where I grew up and where I lived again for the past four years. I've only been gone a few months, but I have changed a lot. The way I used to live here is no longer the way I want to live. I've been battling that for the last few days and it is exhausting. 

The second night here I contemplated changing my flight home to leave earlier (Salt Lake City is now home) just because of how overwhelmed I felt. I didn't change my flight; I reminded myself that things are always worse in the middle of the night, and that I should not jump into this decision, but at least I knew I could change flights if it still felt necessary in the light of day.

Today, I again contemplated changing flights home to leave earlier. These last few days have been very hard. I've changed; a lot of things here stayed the same, but not in good ways. I was angry, frustrated, and sad, but I didn't want to spoil the dinner with relatives, so I put on a happy face. I gave myself permission to enjoy my other relatives and then later face my feelings when I was in a safe space.

On the drive home at 5:30 I was exhausted. I wanted to crawl into bed (actually lying on my bed as I write this).  The sad thing is, I still have yet to deal with the feelings that we're making me feel yucky earlier.

Now that several hours have passed these feelings don't seem so overwhelming. (Or is that just because I'm so full that I'm having a hard time feeling emotions?) I am thinking more rationally about the situation. I can make it five more days. (I think. I hope.) But I have a lot of thinking to do as I plan for future trips home, in order to take care of myself and my needs so that I feel safe and taken care of.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

More Than a Number

This weekend was the final weigh-in before the holidays. Didn't lose that last 0.7 pounds last week to make my goal; in fact, I am up a bit. And guess what- I'm ok with that.

The holidays, and preparations for them, are stressful enough without the addition of weight loss. Weight loss is hard enough without the stress of the holidays. I know why the scale went up a bit this week. I didn't eat very well. I did exercise, but I didn't eat enough fruits and veggies like I like to and I ate way more sweets than I care to admit to. So yah, the scale went up a bit.

I'll keep doing what I need to do to take care of myself this week. I'll enjoy Christmas Day dinner with family and while I won't go overboard with eating, I won't worry about staying under a certain number of calories. My plan is to fill my plate with lots of veggies and protein, take the special foods that I don't get often and the foods that I enjoy. And taste the other foods. And, if something special or that is only served on special occasions isn't as good as I had hoped, I give myself permission to leave it on my plate.

I'm not worried about the number on the scale because I know I am so much more and have achieved so many great things this year.
I can run. (Slowly, but I can do it!)
I can walk a long ways.
I can hike.
I can plank.
I can chase my niece and nephew around playing football and not get winded.
I can climb rock walls.
I can dance.
I can sing.
I feel comfortable in my own skin. With and without clothes on. I can look at myself naked in the mirror and like what I see.
I can play with  my students.
I can crawl around on the floor with them.
I can walk into a crowded room and not want to be a wall flower, but rather want to mingle and meet people.
I can laugh with others and at myself.
I can speak my mind and ask for what I want and need (do you know how liberating this is!?).
I can love and be loved.
There are so many things I can do, that I'm not going to let a number on a scale bring me down.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Getting Back On Track

Making progress despite "mistakes" along the way.
I've been (mostly) sugar-free since Wednesday. Mostly only natural sugars from fruits, but you know... it's the holidays and there's lots of goodies being shared. It can be hard to resist.

Thankfully, I was feeling more like myself for my dinner date last night. And he was so sweet. I had been going crazy for no reason (other than the sugar overload coursing through my body and making me feel off).

I did have some homemade candy this afternoon that had been part of a present from a student. It was so good that I couldn't hardly stop myself. Ok, I could have stopped myself, but thankfully they only gave me a little bit so I didn't do too much damage. ...and I spent about an hour and a half on the treadmill/elliptical this evening to make up for it. I'm feeling pretty darned good.

Tomorrow I will weigh in in the morning. We'll see what the scale says; will I make my goal before Christmas? Regardless of what the scale says, I'm feeling really good and looking really good. My clothes fit well. I feel healthy and happy and whole. I feel vibrant.

Now, I just need to remember those things every time I encounter sweets over the holidays so I can stay focused on keeping me healthy and happy.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Stop the World, I Want to Get Off

I've had it up to here!

I need to give myself an extra measure of grace today.
I'm stressed. I'm tired. I'm tense. I'm ready to cry. The cat keeps meowing (in a come hither, I'm in heat sort of way), I can't get the lid on the plastic container I'm packing, I keep nibbling at the fudge that I'm packaging up to give away (even though I don't want to eat it), my computer is working really slowly (and I might throw it out the window- or through the window!), and ... and I don't understand men.

I know, I know. It's the sugar. Sugar does bad things to me; it makes my body achy and makes my mind play games.

As if this season isn't stressful enough I'm dating a guy (and dating always is stressful). He seems like a pretty good guy. At least most of the time. He cheered me up earlier this evening with some funny texts. Now I want to throttle him. His last message, after I said "good night" was "cheers". Who says "cheers"? Are we toasting and I don't know it?! Or is there some other reason for a casual (platonic friends) greeting? More than likely, I'm reading too much in to this.

Ok, so given the circumstances it's not surprising that I'm feeling stressed and anxious about dating. Yes, there's the whole "sugar makes me kinda crazy thing", but there was a spot in my past where dating at this time of year caused me a lot of hurt. The sugar craze is dredging up that memory. The guy I was dating started talking to another girl while I was gone for Christmas. When he picked me up from the airport on New Years Eve he confessed this all to me and broke up with me. Jerk. So, yah, I'm coming up to this holiday with a little trepidation. I know the guy I'm dating now isn't the guy I was dating back then. I'm pretty sure (like 95%) that he likes me; he's just not good at saying it so it leaves me uncertain sometimes. (And yah, there was another guy I dated who never told me how he felt. Months after I told him I loved him he still hadn't said it back, which is a big reason I broke up with him. I needed to not only see and feel how he felt about me, but I also I needed to hear it. I told him this evening that I like him, in a text, and he never acknowledged or responded. I'm a little hurt.) I know I need to leave the past in the past. I know THIS guy is NOT THOSE guys. But the sugar is making me think crazy thoughts. I need to stop the sugar so I can stop some of the crazy thoughts. I need to stop the sugar so I can think rationally.

I need to stop the sugar. Not only is it making me crazy, it's going to make my body achy and yucky. I already noticed the yucky feeling this afternoon when working out. My body didn't have any energy to really push the cardio because I haven't been fueling it properly. My workout this evening was tough. I'm glad I went and it made me feel a little better, but I don't feel as good after as I usually do.

I need to stop the sugar and get back on track with what I know my body wants and what makes me feel good because I'm seven-tenths of a pound away from my goal weight. 0.7 pounds! And I already printed my Christmas letter saying I met my goal weight this December. I don't want to make a liar out of myself.

Somebody stop me before I drive myself crazy! Oh, wait, that somebody is me.

I'm going to bed. Not getting enough sleep will only add to the stress. So if I can't stop the world and get off, I can at least go to bed and shut the world out for several hours.

Thursday, December 4, 2014


Tuesday I was feeling overwhelmed by emotions. At the time, I really had no idea why, but I was losing it. I was crying for no reason. I was feeling anxious, irritable, and confused. I thought that exercising might help, but in the midst of planking I started bawling again. No clue why, but I was overwhelmed.

I tried to do my EBT meditation, and that helped for a moment, but then a few moments later I was bawling again for seemingly no reason.

I decided to give myself the night off. Trying to attempt my "to do" list was stressing me out more, so I made a little dinner of potatoes O'Brien and scrambled eggs (which, just my luck, I burned a little), and then I sat down to knit. Knitting is usually a relaxing activity for me and it helped me Tuesday night. And around 9:30 pm, I sent myself to bed a little earlier than usual.

Wednesday morning I woke up to the "Overwhelmed" playing on the radio.

As I listened, I connected with the desire to be overwhelmed by God, not by my emotions and so I pondered again, why was I feeling this way?

My shoulders hurt, like I was carrying a lot of tension, but the day had been pretty good.
My joints hurt, especially my legs, like I'd run outside instead of on the treadmill, but I hadn't.
I was tired, but I'd gotten a fair amount of sleep.
My stomach hurt, but I thought I'd eaten pretty well. Ok, so maybe not great, but a can of Progresso was better than fast food, right?

So, why was I feeling like this? And then it hit me: all the sugar from Thanksgiving dinner. Cranberry jell-o salad, two slices of pie, ice cream, and whipped cream. And another slice of pie the next day. Yep, that would do it to me.

As soon as I had that realization, I felt a wave of peace wash over me. I felt peace knowing  what was "wrong" with me. They were just feelings, and feelings are neither right nor wrong, but I was confused as to why I was feeling them.

Armed with this knowledge, I have been trying fiercely to cut out sugar, except for the natural kind from my diet. I had a little hiccup last night as I had some pop with dinner. I noticed that I'm still slightly irritable this morning (but that could also be because the caffeine in the pop kept me up late). But, I'm doing SOOOOOO much better than I was on Tuesday. I'm no longer feeling overwhelmed by emotions and instead letting myself be overwhelmed by God's love and care for me.