2019 Prayer

As I sit and plan how to live out my three words of 2019 in January, a prayer formed that I just cried out to God  I share it with you in hope that it speaks to you, someone else who might be feeling alone. You are not alone in your circumstance. I am here. I will walk with you. And God hears and see you, too. He cares for you. And because He does, I do too.

Dear God, Abba Father, Daddy
Help me enter 2019 with a joyful heart, full of gratitude. Give me wisdom, discernment, and patience about the future.
Help me think positively and to plan for the future with your guidance. Give me peace about what the future holds, hope that I can achieve these things, and determination and self-discipline to follow through on these tasks. I'm scared. I feel afraid and overwhelmed by everything going on. Help me focus on You, and one day, one moment at a time.
As I work towards a healthier body again, help me do it with love and gratitude for myself and all that I've been through, rather than punishment for the neglect I've shown my body in recent months. Let me recall the strength I had in the past and use that to motivate me in the future, one day at a time. I cannot do this alone, but You are with me. When trouble causes me to fear and to doubt myself and the strength You have given me, remind me of what I am You: strong, beautiful, beloved child who is loved, beautiful, redeemed, perfect no matter what.
When others criticize me or don't support what I do, help me to not take it to heart, but also help me to look at it as an opportunity to reflect, evaluate, and grow.
When I face obstacles at work, help me to keep my eyes fixed on You and You alone. Let my words and actions honor You. Show me the purpose You have for me here. Show me how to best use my gifts, my time, and all that I am in service to You.
Help me stay present with myself. Help me respond not react. Help me grow through all of this.
Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.
Amen. Amen. It shall be so!

Resolution

I have definitely overdone it today. I have had way too much sugar. Not just today but the last several weeks. But I can tell today I've had too much sugar. Without even tracking it, I know. I can feel it in my body. I feel sluggish and happy. I am going to track it. I did track it. And as I wrote it all down I have a lot of regret. And as I feel the effects of it in my body I have a lot of regrets.

Did you overdo anything today? Or this holiday season?

We have the choice to start again. To try again tomorrow. Each day is a fresh start. No need to wait for the new year or the new week to start. Choose the next hour even to start making better choices.

I had a lot of regret after our birthday cake and ice cream dinner. I tried to compensate by eating veggies and some protein afterwards. I wasn't hungry. I ate any way to be social. I am just really off my game. I've got some mental stress staying with me from work and it's throwing me off my game of making good choices with my food.

I'm going to go do some private journaling this evening to try to clear my mind of the work stress. I need to come up with a game plan for handling the work stress, so that I can get back to healthier habits. The work stuff is taking up too much energy and I'm tired of it. I need to use my energy on things that fulfill me and bring me joy. Stress does not bring me joy. Anxiety does not bring me joy. The solution to this is to take some time for reflection and develop a plan.

So my resolution, starting right now not in 2019, but right now this minute as to come up with a plan for dealing with the stress at work and focus my energy on that plan and taking better care of myself. What's your resolution? Your plan for making tonight better than today? Tomorrow better than the day before? Don't wait for 2019. Start now. We got this!

Entitlement

So the staff at my new school is reading a book called "The entitlement Cure." And it points out that we all have some areas where we feel entitled. Some of us have more areas than others, but we all have at least one little area that we feel entitled.

This weekend we had a lot of severe weather alerts on our phones and tablets. Having been stressed from recently moving I'm still a little tense and learning to become more relaxed. The severe weather alerts did not help at all. The weather in Iowa is much more different than whether I've ever experienced anywhere, even in the places I've lived in the Midwest. And when we got a severe weather warning for a tornado that had touched down and was passing through part of our County, I definitely freaked out.

And my first thought was to put my car in the parking garage instead of parking in the parking lot where it has been. So I ventured into the parking garage for the first time and discovered my spot is too small for my compact car. Yes, you read that right: my parking spot is too small for my compact car. (The only car that I think could fit in there is a Fiat, a smart car, or a Mini Cooper.)

So I went to anotger spot in the parking garage. I picked it at random simply because it was open. And I left a note scribbled on a napkin on my dashboard, apologizing for being in someone else's spot and promising to move as soon as the tornado had passed. When I came back to my car a couple hours later, after the tornado had passed, I found a very nasty response from the person assigned to that spot.

I apologized to the universe and tried to get on with things, though somewhat upset at this person for being mean and frustrated with the small parking space that I'm assigned which my car doesn't fit into, and just scared by the right of a tornado nearby.

But then I woke up today to an email from my apartment complex asking if I had parked in someone else's spot. I guess the person reported me and said it was Utah plates on the car so the complex was able to figure out whose vehicle was. I admitted to breaking the rules and parking in someone else's spot. I apologized to them and then requested a new parking spot.

The apartment managers response was very scolding, as if I were an unrepentant child who continually misbehaved. I felt hurt, I had been treated as just a faceless contact in their email address book, rather than a person with feelings.

But this parking debacle has caused me to wonder a bit. Is this an area where I feel entitled? Was I acting entitled by parking in someone else's spot because I couldn't fit my car into my own?

I'm not sure. I don't think so. I do feel sincerely apologetic for the inconvenience that I caused to this other driver who wasn't able to park their car in their spot. I certainly didn't do it with the intent that my car was more important than theirs, though they did accuse me of that. I was simply scared and operating out of fear.

If it had been turned around, I would've been upset, too. But I would've just parked in the next spot over until the car was moved. And if I'd have left a note, I wouldn't have been so aggressively hostile (at least to a first time offender). It's often repeated, but there's a reason why it's related: Treat others the way you want to be treated.

I don't think I've found yet the area where I feel entitled, but it was thought provoking.  And I think I still have some more work to do on the parking situation, in love.

Patience is NOT My Virtue

Ladies, I have a confession: I am not good at waiting. I take charge and get things done. I see a need, I fill the need, if its in my skill set. These are great attributes to have! Except when it comes to men. Men don't want to be pursued, they want to be the pursuers, so we must learn to wait for them.

Waiting for God's perfect timing, and waiting for a man to pursue me are Very challenging for me. When I see a man I want, I want him now. And I want him to realize that he wants me, too - NOW!! But that's not how God's timing is.

I have been praying for God to work in His perfect time to prepare me for the right place and the right place for me, as I contemplate a career move. I also pray a similar prayer about meeting and marrying the right man. And a couple of times I thought I'd found the right guy, only God was on a different path from me and that relationship didn't work out as I had planned.

Sometimes I need to step back and remind myself that God had always provided at just the right time in the past, and He will continue to do so for me in the present and future. God is never early and never late. He is always right on time. In all things.

...including relationships.

Oh Lord Hear My Prayer

Lord, I need you. My head hurts. My heart and mind are restless. It's hard to be patient. I need You. I need Your help. Amen.

My random roommate

March 2018

Strange things my roommate says. No context, because I think that makes it even funnier.

- You just tell him, "you can't bite my butt."

Love & Sleep

My three words for 2018 are "love, serve, grow." Instead of a resolution, I'm living by these words this year. I will say yes to things and people that help me love, serve, and grow.

This morning, it really struck me how I have not been loving myself well in the area of sleep. I have been completely and utterly exhausted. In turn, my body feels achy all the time and I don't have the mental strength or desire to say no to cravings and make good food choices. I even wokeup this morning feeling like I couldn't "people." (And y'all know that's no good for an extrovert!)

This has got to stop!

I need to love myself better and protect my sleep time. I need to silence and put down my phone an hour before bed. I need to get on my jammies, meditate on God's Word and pray, and have some quiet time for me. I say these things to myself with a loving voice.

I know this, but I don't always remember this. So this morning I made myself a visual reminder that I can use as a phone wallpaper. (Or am I the only one slightly addicted to my technology?!?) If you want this reminder, too, hop on over to my Facebook page and grab my free wallpaper foryourself!

Craving Something More

"Unsettle me, Lord."

That's the title of my devotion that I read this evening. It perfectly describes what I'm feeling. After reading the thoughts of author Lysa TerKeurst in the "Made to Crave" devotional, I was inspired to write in my journal.

Shake me lose from complacency.
Shift my thoughts from accepting status quo, what it is, to what things could be.
Help me turn to You for comfort, not food. For celebration, not food.
Renew my zeal for wellness.
Renew my commitment to caring for my body.
My body does not feel loved currently. My body feels discomfort, pain,lethargic, dis-ease.
Renew me.
Transform my mind.

I'm not sure what it is that lets me think it's ok to eat sweets. I know how my body will react, but I do it anyway.

For example, Girl Scout Cookies.

I can't say no. I should. But I don't.

I know I can't eat Just a normal serving. I eat a whole row. Or a whole box. In one sitting.

But every year I tell myself, I'll just get one box each of my two favorite kinds, and that's all I'll get. And I'll make them last longer than the year before.

And every year is the same as the one before. They never last long.

I bought two boxes this year. They lasted a total of three days from when I opened the first box to when I threw the empty second box away.

Three days.

Two boxes in three days.

And now I feel awful. Not just the upset stomach from too many sweets. There's also the mental berating of myself for eating them all so fast.

Oh, and all the sugar aggravates my arthritis so my joints feel painful. And it inflames the knot in my shoulders. So I'm just feeling peachy right now.

And that's why I penned the above in my journal.

And I shared it here as a reminder to my future self. And maybe, hopefully, to let others know they are not alone. 

The journey after losing 100 pounds is not easy.

But I'm worth it. And I'm NOT going back again.