Thursday, December 25, 2014

Too Full

So, um, yah, ... I over-ate. Too much Christmas dinner. Then, too many Christmas cookies.

I was stuffing to drown out uncomfortable feelings. Sometimes it's easier to be uncomfortable in my own skin by over-eating than to be uncomfortable with feelings. The results? I now have a stomach that is making rumbling noises and feeling stretched to the max. And still have emotional garbage to deal with. Great.

All because holidays are stressful. I came back to the house where I grew up and where I lived again for the past four years. I've only been gone a few months, but I have changed a lot. The way I used to live here is no longer the way I want to live. I've been battling that for the last few days and it is exhausting. 

The second night here I contemplated changing my flight home to leave earlier (Salt Lake City is now home) just because of how overwhelmed I felt. I didn't change my flight; I reminded myself that things are always worse in the middle of the night, and that I should not jump into this decision, but at least I knew I could change flights if it still felt necessary in the light of day.

Today, I again contemplated changing flights home to leave earlier. These last few days have been very hard. I've changed; a lot of things here stayed the same, but not in good ways. I was angry, frustrated, and sad, but I didn't want to spoil the dinner with relatives, so I put on a happy face. I gave myself permission to enjoy my other relatives and then later face my feelings when I was in a safe space.

On the drive home at 5:30 I was exhausted. I wanted to crawl into bed (actually lying on my bed as I write this).  The sad thing is, I still have yet to deal with the feelings that we're making me feel yucky earlier.

Now that several hours have passed these feelings don't seem so overwhelming. (Or is that just because I'm so full that I'm having a hard time feeling emotions?) I am thinking more rationally about the situation. I can make it five more days. (I think. I hope.) But I have a lot of thinking to do as I plan for future trips home, in order to take care of myself and my needs so that I feel safe and taken care of.

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