Paradox

I'm tired. I could use a bit more sleep. But I want to go do things, fun things.

I'm hungry and should have some breakfast. But I don't want to eat.

Yoga felt so good this morning. But I'm so tight and inflexible.

I'm a mess. I'm amazing.

I know what I need. I don't know what I need.

The scale says I'm up 5 pounds more than I want. My pants (actual fitted pants, not leggings or stretchy pants) are tighter in the waist than I'd like. I don't like the way my belly look. I love my shape when I'm in my workout wear.

I just need to get thoughts out and maybe I'll figure out what's at the heart of things. 

My friend died yesterday. I was teary off and on at work yesterday. So glad I work in a Christian school where I can openly talk with my students and coworkers about the hope of the resurrection and my gratitude that my friend is with Jesus and no longer in pain.

I got teary again during yoga just now. But I think it was tears of tiredness. I'm worn out, mentally. My sweet little 10 are exhausting. My friend died. I'm working so much. I'm trying to eat healthy, homemade meals. I'm trying to get enough sleep. I'm trying to move enough. I'm trying to do yoga for better flexibility. I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying.... I'm exhausted.

I'm exhausted and just going through the motions sometimes. I know I'm not alone. I just talked with a friend last night who is also exhausted from everything. Sometimes I feel afraid that I've lost sight of what I love and I'm just trying to survive. I don't want to live like that. I don't want another year like that. I don't want another month like that. I don't want another day like that or even another hour. I want more.

(Cue Little Mermaid.... I want mooooore!)

I need to eat and I need a little morning nap.
Oh, and I need to make a grocery list and put in a load of towels to wash. ....ugh. I know I'll survive. I'll find the juicy life again. I'll see the light in the darkness. I'll see hope. I'll feel joy. I'm going to start with breakfast and a nap while towels are in the wash. I got this. God's got me. Lets go do this!

Fear Not!

This week I have spent too much time living in fear. Fear for my health, fear for a loved one, and fear for a relationship. These are all good things to be concerned about, but not to live in fear about.

I really needed these words this week.

Last night I feared for my health after a traumatic blood donation reaction. I had a vasovagal response (or syncope) which resulted in me fainting and a few other things (want to know more? click here). Anyway, a friend who's a nurse prescribed rest, hydration, and increased salt intake. I felt wiped out the rest of the evening, took a nap, had dinner, then went to bed early. After sleeping for 10 hours I'm feeling much better... now to clean up my roommate's car so it smells better.

The big fears that took up my time and energy this week were for the guy I'm dating and our relationship. The first part of the week was consumed by a lot of unbalanced fear. In hind-sight, I strongly believe it was the devil trying to get a foothold and trying to shake my faith - my faith in God and my faith in this person. I was overwhelmed by fears to the point of despair.

I turned to my pastor, and some wise, godly women, as well as God's Word for strength and encouragement. I'm still concerned for my guy and our relationship, but no more unbalanced fear. On Thursday morning I determined that throughout the day if I felt concerned for him, instead of worrying that I would pray this simple sentence prayer: God, give him peace. On Friday, my prayer again was simple: Lord, give me strength.

Today, I woke up feeling drained from both the stressful week and the traumatic events of my blood donation yesterday. My prayer today has been a bit more complex: Lord, let him feel in his heart that I am praying for him and loving him and trusting him. Lord, give him mental clarity to fix this, to find resolution for his business. Help him know that if he needs to be at work next week and not visit until later that I will be ok. Help me to trust that he is doing what's best for him and best for us. Help me give room to let him lead our relationship.

Throughout the day when I've thought of this man and our relationship I have prayed some variation of these words. While out at lunch I prayed. On the way home from the movie theater I prayed. Shopping in Walmart I prayed! While writing this blog I am praying. I may do some deeper prayer around this, including journaling and reading my Bible, but I am determined to not lose hope, to trust in the Lord, and to love myself and him through this tough situation. I will find my strength that God has given me and I will support him as well. God has good things in store (Jeremiah 29:11) for me and for him!