Paradox

I'm tired. I could use a bit more sleep. But I want to go do things, fun things.

I'm hungry and should have some breakfast. But I don't want to eat.

Yoga felt so good this morning. But I'm so tight and inflexible.

I'm a mess. I'm amazing.

I know what I need. I don't know what I need.

The scale says I'm up 5 pounds more than I want. My pants (actual fitted pants, not leggings or stretchy pants) are tighter in the waist than I'd like. I don't like the way my belly look. I love my shape when I'm in my workout wear.

I just need to get thoughts out and maybe I'll figure out what's at the heart of things. 

My friend died yesterday. I was teary off and on at work yesterday. So glad I work in a Christian school where I can openly talk with my students and coworkers about the hope of the resurrection and my gratitude that my friend is with Jesus and no longer in pain.

I got teary again during yoga just now. But I think it was tears of tiredness. I'm worn out, mentally. My sweet little 10 are exhausting. My friend died. I'm working so much. I'm trying to eat healthy, homemade meals. I'm trying to get enough sleep. I'm trying to move enough. I'm trying to do yoga for better flexibility. I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying.... I'm exhausted.

I'm exhausted and just going through the motions sometimes. I know I'm not alone. I just talked with a friend last night who is also exhausted from everything. Sometimes I feel afraid that I've lost sight of what I love and I'm just trying to survive. I don't want to live like that. I don't want another year like that. I don't want another month like that. I don't want another day like that or even another hour. I want more.

(Cue Little Mermaid.... I want mooooore!)

I need to eat and I need a little morning nap.
Oh, and I need to make a grocery list and put in a load of towels to wash. ....ugh. I know I'll survive. I'll find the juicy life again. I'll see the light in the darkness. I'll see hope. I'll feel joy. I'm going to start with breakfast and a nap while towels are in the wash. I got this. God's got me. Lets go do this!

When Is Enough?

I decided to turn my love of Young Living essential oils into a business. When I did, I knew I needed to learn about how to start a small business. I love what the oils are doing to support my pursuit of a healthy lifestyle and I want to share that with others.

My friend who got me started in oils gave me a book for my birthday to help me get started business building. And I devoured it! And then I came across another book with business building tips specifically directed at building an online small home business. Both books have said that if you want to get your business going well and fast, you have to invest a lot of time and make sacrifices. I'm willing to sacrifice some time each night and on the weekends to pour into my company.

...But I started back to school three weeks ago. And this was the first week of school. It's Friday, and I'm exhausted. EXHAUSTED! I left my desk a mess this afternoon, and I'm feeling stressed and anxious about that. I'm not 100% ready for work next week, but after 10 hour days almost every day this past week, and the fact that I instigated drinks after work with all the other teachers, I had to leave at 4 pm. And the fact that I'm running out of steam. I left for drinks and it was lovely to hang out with the girls from work (our lone male was unable to join us and he was missed)!

Oh, but I'm still tired. So tired. Can't decide if I'm coming or going. Can't decide if I want to stay in and go to bed early, or if I want to go dancing for a bit to relieve some stress.

I'm taking two weekends off. I just can't keep going. I spent 12 days in a row at school, after a busy summer of working lots of odd hours, including weekends. I've hardly had any time to mentally escape, let alone physically escape, so this weekend I'm taking time off from work both at school work and my business. And next weekend I'm getting out of town and taking some much needed time with family, and again escaping from school and business work again.

I have goals and drive to reach my goals. But I'm out of steam and need to recharge. I want to chase my dreams and use my small business to help me get there. But I also know the value of listening to my body. I can't keep going or things won't get done well. My body says rest, so it's time to rest. I love you. I love my oils.

Time for a little Stress Away, Peace & Calming, and Release to work their "magic" on me. And then I'll come back ready to tackle it again!

...but for now, REST!

Welcome & Rest

Exhausted.
Overwhelmed.
Frazzled.
Restless.

My mind won't stop. Even during yoga.

I've been too busy and I just need to slow down and rest. But I don't know when that will happen. I was even reading a 4-day email devotion series about slowing down to rest, just last week. It resonated with me. And yet this week I've felt non-stop. This week has rushed by, yet Monday seems so long ago.

I just want life to slow down. I want to have nothing to do today so I can rest. I need rest. Yet in an hour I'm off to my part-time summer job. Then I said I would stop by a friend's house. Then I want to go dancing tonight so I can see people I know instead of sit home alone (and learn the next part of the choreography for the flash mob). And I need to work on preparing for my in-person class I'm teaching in the morning. And I need to prepare materials for online class I'm going to teach soon. And. And... the list goes on.

But I just want to stop.

Isn't this why God created the Sabbath? He knew we needed to slow down and rest. And yet I haven't had a true Sabbath in ages.

I found myself yesterday wishing for the start of the school year to get here so life would slow down (crazy, I know)!

But this is life. It doesn't slow down, at least not permanently. It keeps going. We all have to learn how to manage our stress in healthy ways. So today I've got my "Stress Away" essential oil blend on and I'm going to give myself lots of grace and love. (And perhaps a nap after work.) And tomorrow, after class, I'm going to give myself a Sabbath. Total permission to care for myself. Some napping, some yoga, some reading, some healthy cooking, and some exercise.

This place today feels hard, but I won't be here forever. And I am loved. I am loved by my Creator; He calls me His beloved daughter. I call him Father. And Friend. Healer. He is my safe place to go when life is overwhelming. Friends, do you know that you can go to Him too? His arms are open wide waiting for you, no matter where you've been or what you've done. You are always welcome in His arms.

And this is a safe space, too. In the Urban Hiker Girl world, in my life, we are authentic, open, graceful. You are welcome here. You are loved, just as you are. May you feel the love of our Father pouring over you and filling up the empty, hurting places inside. May you feel His healing touch in your life. May you remember that you are ALWAYS His beloved child. NO MATTER WHAT.