God Speaks

I thought that not getting the job in Denver was a great disappointment. For several days I dragged myself around feeling very sad and disappointed. I was probably not much fun to be with because on top of that, my family, who I had hoped was coming to visit my birthday week, had a change of plans so I wasn't going to get to see them, either. I was just sad and blue for several days. Even when interviewing with another school about a teaching position closer to my brother's family. I just couldn't get excited about it.

A few days have passed and I'm not so sad anymore.

There's that relationship being revived again. And I'm starting to hope again. I keep seeing reminders to hope in what could be. Today, I had a reminder that maybe my disappointment at not getting the job in Denver could be leading me to other blessings. Perhaps the blessing of a renewed relationship with someone I was deeply in love with and want to love again. (A line from "Pride and Prejudice" keeps running through my mind. Jane Bennett says something like, "I'm very much in danger of falling in love with him as much as I was before (or something like that).)

From the devotion at Proverbs 31:
http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/when-your-circumstances-feel-like-chains/

Are you feeling chained back from your dreams? I encourage you to read this devotion from Proverbs 31 Ministries.

New Chapter

Mike Weaver, the lead singer of Big Daddy Weave, reported in an interview that they were scheduled to sing this song live at the same time his brother, part of the band, was in the hospital for a mysterious blood infection that led to a double amputation of his feet. And they weren't sure how they could sing this song during such a difficult time, but they were reminded that Jay's story isn't over. (Read more here.)

"If I told you my story
You would hear hope that wouldn't let go
If I told you my story
You would hear love that never gave up
If I told you my story
You would hear life but it wasn't mine

If I should speak then let it be

Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
To tell you my story is to tell of Him"

I read this story on Facebook, right after my morning devotion from Proverbs 31 Ministries about the importance of friendship (read it here). I was on my way to go to pick up my friend Chloe on my way to a very important doctor's appointment and I was very grateful that she was accompanying me.

Back in March at my annual physical, my doctor was doing my pelvic exam and we discovered that I was very tender. He had me scheduled an ultrasound exam for a week later. My doctor said the exam showed a cyst on my ovary, but that was normal during a menstrual cycle, so he wanted to have another ultrasound done in six weeks to see how it changed (because it's supposed to change). 

At the follow up ultrasound in May the doctor saw something that concerned him - continued growth of the cyst so he referred me to a gynecologist for further tests and treatment, which brings us to the day that I read the story on Facebook about Jay Weaver facing a double foot amputation. 

The song, the devotion, reminded me that whatever happens at the doctor's office, I am blessed to have my good friend Chloe go through this with me, and that God will use this experience as part of my story. My story is not over, no matter what the doctor diagnoses me with.

My gynecologist reviewed my primary care physician's notes and the ultrasound information and then said what he thought it might be - endometriosis or ovarian cancer. 

I took a deep breath and listened. 

He and I talked about my symptoms and the next steps. He sent me to get some blood drawn and referred me to get an MRI so he could get a better picture of what's going on inside of me. He said if it's endometriosis it might be treatable with birth control hormones, and if it's cancer he knows a great oncologist just across the street. 

The comic I read while I breathed and got my blood drawn.

And then I took another deep breath, then I went to get my blood drawn. And I kept breathing through the blood draw.

And I kept breathing on the drive home. 

And as I breathed, I reminded myself that no matter what this turns out to be my story isn't over. This is the next chapter of my story. Perhaps my story will be helpful to someone. Or perhaps someone else's story will help and encourage me. But no matter what, God's not done with me yet. This is not the end - it is a new chapter. Another beginning.

Exhale

Plumb - Exhale

Driving home last night from a night of dancing and I was getting teary. It's been a very emotional few days for me and mostly it's just hormones causing me to cry. My night of dancing had started off shaky with a creeper (who I think was intoxicated) at the dance lesson being inappropriate. The instructor stepped in and the night improved, but on the way home tears started to flow. I had the radio on, as I usually do, and this time it was on Air1. As I pulled into a parking space at my apartment I heard these words. They froze me in the car until the song was over.

It's ok to not be ok

This is a safe place

This is a safe place

Don't be afraid

Don't be ashamed

There's still hope

There's still hope

No matter what you've done or who you are

Everyone is welcome in His arms

Just let go, let His love wrap around you

And hold you close

Get lost in the surrender

Breathe it in until your heart breaks

Then exhale

Exhale

I had to find out who this was and get the song. I immediately searched Air1's website and found out the song and artist. The words impacted my heart greatly. I was so moved that I had to buy the track (actually, I got the whole album right there on my Smartphone from Google Play) because I knew I would want to listen again and again in the days to come.

If you've been following my blog, then you know my heart's been a little broken lately and I'm working on mending it with God's help. This song reminded me of the work I've been doing in Bible Study the last two weeks (see previous post) and with a Christian counselor over the years.

I'm a recovering perfectionist. It's been a long journey to realize that I don't have to be perfect. Yes, there's times I still strive for it. And no, it's not saying that I don't always try to do my best in all things. But I'm learning that when I do my best, it doesn't have to be perfect to be good enough for God. And in the places where I'm still broken, He's healing me and making me whole. HE is making me perfect in His eyes; His beautiful, beloved daughter. 

If you feel broken in areas of your life, I invite you to listen to this song and be reminded that God will wrap you up in His grace and love. Let Him heal you. (And if you want more, check out the Proverbs 31 Ministries Bible Study: The Mended Heart on their website.)

Breathe, close your eyes, and listen. Let the words sink in. Then listen again and let them sink deeper.

Oh God, We breathe in Your grace
We breathe in Your grace
And exhale
Oh God, we do not exist for us
But to share Your grace and love
And exhale

If you are hurting, I pray that God would bring you to a place of healing. Whether that's through this song, through checking out the "Mended Heart" Bible Study, through a Christian counselor, godly friends, or simply by His Spirit, may you receive that healing that your heart craves from Him.

Lord, I Need Your Help

Back in mid-May when my last relationship was faltering and falling apart, I spent a lot of time drawing closer to God. In the midst of my struggles I wrote the following letter as a prayer.

I want to share it with you because it's part of my journey as the Urban Hiker Girl - my emotional and spiritual journey - and I want to be authentic with you my followers and readers. I have edited it just a bit for privacy of the person it's about and for clarity. My hope is that if you are struggling in a relationship, whether dating or otherwise, that this will encourage you to also draw closer to Your Creator who knows your heart and loves you dearly and tenderly. He will be your strength and meet all your needs. Trust in Him.

Your life is a story being written by God.
An excerpt from the book "The Mended Heart" by Suzanne Eller.

Dear Lord,

I feel my hope faltering. My eyes are getting focused on my fears that I am alone and the relationship is ending. I'm not focused on You or on supporting him.

Lord, I want him in my life. Things don't make sense without him. Help me be supporting, not smothering. Encouraging, not needy. Help me give him the space he needs to focus on work. Help me have faith and trust him when he says he loves me, that he will come back to me when he can.

I'm so tired of feeling weak and lonely. Help me be strong for myself. Help me be strong for him. Lord, be my strength. Give me peace.

Help me find the inner strength that I know I have, to be a strong woman on my own. I know I don't need him, I only need You. But I want him in my life.

Within a week of meeting him I knew I wanted to marry him. I believe you ignited that desire; it had not been on my mind. You gave me that desire, you will fulfill that. Help me be the woman you want me to be, the woman he needs me to be.

And when we are reunited, bless our words and time together.

Help me now give him space.

Help me to not smother him.

Help me support him.

Helm me encourage him.

Help me to stay present.

Help me honor my feelings, but not give them control.

Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."

How do I delight myself in You in this?

Focus on the work you have given me to do: Love my kiddos (students).

My hearts desire is to be in a loving relationship with a godly man.

I think he is that man. Maybe he's just a glimpse of what it could be like. Help me find my strength in You, not in him. Help me to let go of my need for him and to need only You, Lord.

Lord, I really need You now. My joy is wavering and my focus keeps slipping...

My dear readers, if you are hurting, longing for someone, or feeling alone, go to the Lord. Cry out to Him. He will heal your heart and give you His peace - a peace that only He can give, greater than the world.

An excerpt from the book "The Mended Heart"
by Suzanne Eller.

And if you really want to dig deeper into healing your hurt, I highly recommend the book "The Mended Heart" by Suzanne Eller. I'm reading it right now as part of a Proverbs 31 Online Bible Study. I can feel the Lord working on my heart to bring further healing and change in my life. May it bless you and heal your hurting heart. (And if you read it, I'd love to hear what you think!) Reading this book is one reason I feel compelled to share this letter with you - as part of my healing.

To find out more about "The Mended Heart" Bible study from Proverbs 31 Ministries, or to get a copy of the book, follow this link.

Life Space

"Give him space," they said. 

"If he loves you, he'll come back," they said. 

Scrolled across these words today... perfect timing!

I know THEY all meant well, but I was too afraid to let go. I was too afraid that he wouldn't come back. I was afraid of giving up something I really wanted: a loving relationship with a Christian man. I was desperate to keep it.

What I needed to hear, and what I finally told myself this weekend, was to give MYSELF space. To live my life and give myself space to be me. I had spent so much time and energy trying to keep him that I lost myself, made myself crazy, and I'm pretty sure made him crazy and question our relationship.

The devotion that this quote is from
helped start my day right.
Go to Proverbs 31 ministries to view this devotion
and to sign up for more like this to be delivered to your inbox.

Many times I feared that I'd lost him. And some of the time I would get a quick message from him saying he loves me, but those weren't often and I found myself starving for, living for those words, anxiously awaiting any contact from him. I was driving myself nuts, and the people around me.

This weekend I gave myself permission to let go, keep going, and be present - not living for when he and I will be together again. I'm not saying I'm done with the relationship, but I am giving myself space to be present in my life. To be here for myself, for my students, and for my family. And when I gave myself that permission a huge weight lifted. I feel so much less stress, so much less tension and pain in my body, and thankfully so much less emotional.

I don't know if giving him space and myself space will make him come back, but there is great freedom in letting go of trying to control everything. I can only control myself and that is a huge blessing.

Words I needed to hear today.