Who I Am

This girl can sing, you guys!!! If you haven't heard of her or heard her song, you are missing out!




This song really spoke to me, because almost 10 years ago I left a teaching job that wasn't a good fit. And I felt like my life fell apart. My identity was so tied into my job that I thought I'd lost who I was when I lost my job.

I struggled with depression and anxiety. I hadn't been able to find a new teaching job. I'd spent over half a year working dead end temp jobs, barely making minimum wage. I could barely pay my rent and buy gas for my car, let alone buy groceries. My dad had helped me a bit but was going to cut me off.

I was in the worst place of my life. So I moved home to live with my mother. I felt defeated and like a failure at life. A failure at adulting.

After a few months of staying home, eating, watching tv all day, and crying, I was the heaviest I'd ever been in my life at about 265 pounds. I was miserable. My mom forced me to attend counseling, psychotherapy. (Best mom ever.) And I simultaneously enrolled in a program for rewiring the brains neutral connections that made me believe those lies that I was a failure at life and adulting, as well as other lies. The counseling and brain therapy program were intense and hard work.

Towards the end of that program, I finally found myself again. Through hard work in the programs and Bible study, I was firmly believing that I am me no matter what I do. I am beautiful, loving, loved, vibrant, and so much more. Most importantly, My identity is found is the King as His beloved daughter. I decided to get that as a tattoo.

I was still living with my mom, who was firmly against tattoos. But when I explained to her what I wanted and why, I had her support.

For years I waffled as to where I wanted it and what it should look like.

Two summers ago, at a farmer's market at Wheeler Farm in Salt Lake City, Utah, I got one of my design ideas done in henna on my arm. It sealed in my mind where I wanted it, but I still wasn't totally sure of the design, so I kept doodling.

And last summer, while visiting my best friend Chloe in Hawaii for her wedding, I decided it was time. After running into a tattoo artist one night and asking a few last minute questions, I made my decision and told Chloe it was time. So we made the appointment for the day before I left.

As the tattoo artist worked, I took a deep breath, exhaled, and told my story again. And when he finished, I'd hardly felt it, but I was left with this beautiful reminder:

And now I will always remember that I am His beloved child. Because He said so.  (Ephesians 5:1. ESV)