Saturday, January 10, 2015

Don't Believe Everything You Think

Thoughts are just thoughts, not facts. 

Feelings are just feelings. They aren't good or bad- they just are.

The past doesn't dictate my present or my future.

He's not that other guy, or any of those other guys, or even like my father.

I cried myself to sleep last night.

I got home from my date, washed my face, but on my pj's and laid on my bed and cried. I woke up an hour later and crawled under the covers and fell back asleep.

At first I didn't know why I was crying, I just know that something didn't feel right. I slept fitfully most of the night, until around seven this morning when I finally feel soundly asleep for a few hours.

Being more well rested I realized why I was crying and why last night felt so awful.

He said he's thinking of going back overseas again. It triggered my ancient crossed wire of men leaving me, starting with my father and all the other men I've dated.

I remember at dinner that as soon as he said it, the thought crossed my mind "what can I do to make him stay with me". I remember a feeling of slight deflation, like someone let a little air out of my balloon. I also remembered that I don't have a good poker face and that my feelings and thoughts are written plainly there. I didn't want to spoil the evening or put undo pressure on him so I tried to change my face and looked away.

Don't make decisions when stressed.

Things always seem worse in the night.

Don't be too needy or clingy.

I am glad I exercised yesterday after work. 

I'm glad I ate a big healthy salad for lunch. 

I'm glad I got a good night's sleep the night before. And last night.

Those three things helped me yesterday and today to start feeling better about myself. I woke up feeling beautiful and sexy. I woke up with fresh eyes to look at the situation. I woke up and surfed Twitter.

Yah, I surfed Twitter.

I came across an article titled "5 Ways to Lessen that Relationship Baggage (and improve self-esteem)" (read it here). I just couldn't resist, because I had an inkling that part of why I was so upset when I went to bed was because of something in my past. The article spoke to me from the first sentence. It could have been words I was saying to myself. It was what I most needed to hear this morning. I kept reading; I was hooked. It's all advice I've heard many times before. All things I know to do or to avoid. They were good reminders.

Yes, I have relationship baggage. We all do. One of my oldest hurts and biggest fears is  that the man in my life will leave me. It started in childhood. It continued through to adulthood. In many past dating relationships men have left me. On a few occasions I left them before they could leave and hurt me. Last night that old wire was triggered.

He is not those guys. He is not my dad. He may leave me. He may not. I may leave him. But today is not the day for that to happen. He is a good man.

No matter what, I will be ok.

I am ok.

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