Don't SHOULD Yourself

I'm just going to dive right in and confess that it's not going well. It started pretty well, and I lost five pounds. But for the last two and a half months, I've been losing and re-gaining the same additional three or four pounds... I just can't break past the ten pound mark.

I'm not consistent and I know that's why I'm struggling to lose weight. Also know that the stress level is the key factor in my inconsistency. I'll have a few good days - low stress at work, eating homemade healthy foods, exercising, sleeping well, and feel pretty good about it. But then I have a hard day at work and I'll eat crap so that my physical body feels as bad as my mental state. I know I shouldn't eat the crap but this is an old, old bad habit. So right now, instead of shaming myself for doing it, I'm working on recognizing when I'm doing it and being gentle with myself. (Hello #emotionalbraintraining skills!)

I also caught myself over-eating the other night when we were out to eat. We were at a little local Thai restaurant we recently discovered. I had ordered a light, fresh chicken dish. I was listening to my hunger cues... and telling myself that I "should" take half of it home for lunch the next day. At the end of the meal, I had left enough to be a satisfying meal for my lunch the next day. Then my husband reached over and stabbed a big piece of chicken and I thought "well, that's not enough for a filling lunch and not enough for leftovers, so I might as well eat the rest." Seriously, that was my thought process. 

And I got so mad at my husband! I snarled at him the way her snarls at me when I eat a piece of his pancake (that he'd told me I could have before we started eating). It was ugly. I know I shouldn't have reacted like that. We had been sharing and it was fine.... until it wasn't. I'm still a little mad at him for eating that piece of chicken, but I'm more disappointed in myself for not using my "oh well statement" I created with Noom several weeks ago. I should have just let it go and said "oh well," and left the rest on the plate anyway. But I didn't, I ate it and then I beat myself up because I "should have" known better and "should have" done better. 

The other thing I'm "shoulding" on myself about is that when I first started this blog 10 years ago, all I had to do was start walking, logging my food, and the weight just melted off. I'm fighting the harsh inner critic that keeps telling me "you should be doing better. You should have lost more weight by now." I end up feeling defeated and ashamed. 

So what's the cure....? I believe it's mindfulness. And I'm really, really trying hard to be more mindful. However, when I'm extremely stressed and tired it's really hard to be mindful. My job is creating too much stress in my life and it's affecting many other areas of my health. Something has to change.

And until it does change, being mindful is going to be hard, but I'm going to give it my best shot. So friends, be mindful... and when being mindful is hard, don't should yourself. 

Grace to you,

Becky

UHG2.0

Hello! Welcome back to my blog. A few things have changed around here, so let's get (re)acquainted! 

I am....

💍 married to my best friend,  Mike O'Hara. We eloped on 10/31/21 in flannels and blue jeans at the place we had our first date on mothers day of 2021.

👩🏼‍🏫 I am an elementary school teacher with over 20 years in the classroom. Most of my experience is in K/1 Lutheran school classrooms. Currently,  I feel like a rookie all over again because I'm in my first year of teaching 4th grade at a new school. 

🍞 I am a bread maker! I grew my own sourdough starter about a year ago and having baking bread at home ever since. We call our starter Bubbles. 

👵 I'm a grandma! Mike and I don't have children of our own,  but I became step mom to his 3 adult children and grandma to Violet when we got married. 

🧚‍♀️ I'm am aunt to two of the coolest (and tallest) kids I know. And godmother to two terrific kids! 

Those are some fun things about me. There's also been some hard. 

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 I'm a daughter of divorced parents. My father remarried and I have 2 step-sisters. 

👵 I have lost three of my four grandparents. My remaining grandma is turning 95 this year! 

🫂 A month and a half after Mike and I eloped,  his oldest passed away unexpectedly. God had started working faith in her heart and she was baptized in the hospital before she was taken off life support. Her parents chose to donate her organs and give the gift of life to others. 

📈 I'm at the delightful age of 40-something, where eye-sight is changing, so I recently started wearing readers. It also means hormones are changing,  which means I have trouble sleeping, my hair is thinning, my body aches, and I'm gaining weight and can't seem to get it off. 

So.... what do at have in common?! Let's get get to know each other! 

Missing

Crying because you miss someone doesn't make you weak. No matter your gender.

If you feel sad and need to shed tears as you experience your feelings that's ok. Let me sit beside you and hold space for you as you feel that feeling. There is no judgment. Your feelings are not right or wrong. They are simply your feelings.

Feel all your feelings. Let them pass. I'll be here with you.

Scar

I have a scar on my heart.

Four years ago I fell in love. He made me fall in love with him. He wrote me a poem about our first date as he flew home from visiting me. He was sweet and gentle with me, yet a strong and confident man. Though our relationship was long distance, we prayed together every night on the phone.

He fell in love with me first. When I was sick, he called to comfort me. He told me he wished he could take care of me. And before he hung up he said he loved me. I wanted to say it, too, but in person, looking into his eyes. I told him I wanted to say it, too, but in person when he came back again in a few weeks.

He never came back. At first it was reasonable excuses. Then it was silence. And a broken heart.

Then a few years later he popped up in social media. We chatted. I put together puzzle pieces about him and he broke my heart again at the things I came to realize about him. I never should have loved him. But I did.

And it left a scar. His promises to call and to visit that went unfulfilled. And now whenever a guy promises to call or visit and then is late or unable to, it tears at that wound and I feel the raw ache again.

It hurts.

It's not his issue. It's mine to deal with.

Some day I hope that there's a man who will not reopen that wound.

Week Nineteen Intentions

Today my spirit feels lighter. I'm at the end of my antibiotics and feeling so much better. Summer break from school is only a few weeks away. And last night I took a trip out to the country to breathe some fresh air and spent time with a good friend and got love from his dog.

To keep my spirit light, this week I intend to:
* do morning yoga Sunday - Thursday
* walk outside or on the elliptical three or more times a week
* do HIIT on the elliptical twice
* go to bed at 10 pm on work nights to stay healthy til the end of the year
* spend more time in prayer meditation and scripture (2 or 3 nights)
* keep my gut healthy by avoiding excessive sugar
* call my mom and grandma to let them know I love them

Week Eighteen Intentions

This week is about recovery.

I went to the doctor Thursday because I thought I was having really bad allergy symptoms, so I was going to get a stronger allergy whatever. Turns out, it was tonsillitis. Not strep, just inflamed tonsils and lymph nodes, so I still got put on an antibiotic.

I'm finally starting to feel better - praise the Lord! I didn't push myself as hard last week to get to the gym for weights or HIIT. I thought it was just because I preferred being in the sunshine, but I think it was me listening to my body to slow down (and maybe wanting to be in the sunshine had something to do with it).

So, this week I intend to:
* listen to my body. It takes as long as it takes to recover.
* do morning yoga
* walk outside if it's warm enough
* if my body's ready, HIIT twice
* if my body's ready, long walks outside or on the elliptical
* go to bed at 10 pm to give my immune system a fighting chance
* spend more time in prayer meditation and scripture (2 or 3 nights)

It's going to be a good week for improved health. I can just feel it!

Week Seventeen Intentions

Last week I was unfocused and off track. I was extremely stressed by a situation at work that was out of my control but severely impacted me. My body and the scale reflected that this weekend.

This week, I intend to:
* prioritize caring for myself.
* create my vision board with inspirational photos and quotes and scripture, as well as part my written goals on them
* spend less time on Facebook and Instagram (setting a timer for 25 minutes) and more time in bible study and meditation
* eat only home cooked meals
* continue yoga Sunday - Thursday morning
* do HIIT on the elliptical twice
* lift weights on Monday and Saturday
* go for long walks outdoors or on the elliptical three or more times
* ask for what I need from others to stay healthy or get the support I need

I can and will do this. And my affirmation bracelet I bought the same time as my vision board will remind me I can.