Wednesday, October 1, 2014

I Am Joy

I'm learning to let go.

It's not easy. It doesn't happen overnight.

Several weeks ago my boyfriend and I decided to move on in different directions. (That's a really nice, adult way of saying we broke up.) I cried, a lot. I ate cookies and sweets and other "crap"; I'm an emotional eater, it's what I do. I've been working on NOT eating because of my emotions, but in times of extreme stress (say the end of a significant relationship) those old habits resurface. I did less damage than I would have in the past, but I still did them. I'm not perfect. (Guess what? I don't have to be either!) And if it makes you feel any better, I did work out to try to compensate for some of the "damage" the sweets did to my diet. It certainly made me feel better as I burned off calories and frustrations.

I started dating again. The first one was awkward and I never heard from him again. The second one asked me out again. It was nice, but also a little awkward. He asked me out a third time... we'll see. Guys number three and four are also in the line-up for dates this weekend. Whew, I'm not sure how I'll keep them all straight!

Sunbursts through clouds on my walk home on September 30th.
Sun reflecting off the clouds on my walk home on October 1st.

Ahhhh. It's a beautiful evening.
Still, occasional feelings about my previous boyfriend come up. This weekend I had some tears. I remembered and missed the fun times he and I had together. He took me on many dating adventures. We supported each other through some tough times. I met his family. Big stuff. I missed it. I missed his friendship.

As I walked home yesterday (5 miles, 1 hour 30 minutes) I had some time to think. I thought about why I was sad about the past relationship and the excitement of looking forward to new potential relationships.A tear or two may have come to my eye as I saw beautiful views and thought of how he would have loved to see and photograph them. Lots of mixed feelings on my walk and lots of time to think about things. By the time I got home yesterday I was "thought out" and the only thing on my mind was how tired and hungry I was; after all, I was walking during dinner time.

Today, I felt such peace on my walk home. No longer feeling mixed emotions; ready to let go of the past and even more now looking forward to the future. I felt happy about the progress I've made in letting him go and moving on. I feel grateful for the time we shared, the lessons I learned about myself and love and life, and that I was able to give and receive (in his own way) love. And I am looking forward to taking what I've learned about myself and relationships and love to use in the future. I feel happy.

As I walked home I thought of those lessons and when I thought of him I felt peace. No longing. No regrets. Just peace. I saw a beautiful sunset and thought of how much he would have enjoyed photographing the stunning colors and light. It was a lovely feeling and a lovely moment. I feel proud of myself for that.

I am joy. And that is the best part.

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