I'm not celebrating Valentine's Day this year. That's not really any different from any year before. I've never celebrated Valentine's Day because I've never had someone to be my Valentine.
When asked by the room mom at school about the class Valentine's Party I said I didn't think we would have one. And we're not. It's not falling on a school day this year and it's not a Christian holiday so I didn't see the need to recognize it with a party. I also tried to rationalize it that we had a big week of tests this week and I wanted some normalcy to help the kids stay grounded. We've done some crafts, but we're not doing a party. I dubbed myself the Valentine's Day Grinch for cancelling the holiday for my class.
I kept telling people (and myself) that I've never been a big Valentine's Day person. I think I was starting to believe it, or I was fooling myself into believing that I thought that was true.
But as I sit here on the couch, listening to the Big Bang Theory, while trying to grade papers, and procrastinating by checking out men on Match.com, I realize this non-Valentine's Day attitude isn't really me. The truth is that I was really hoping to have a Valentine this year. And I'm now crying because this is a hard reality to face.
I wanted to celebrate his birthday with him. I wanted to celebrate Valentine's Day with him. Nothing big for either, but just to be with him and spend time together to continue getting to know each other better. I still sent him the personalized birthday present I'd ordered for him. But the Valentine's Day card I got for him and another "just because" present are still sitting out in plain sight. I have to pass them several times every day.
The last two weeks since we broke up have been hard. I still think about him often. I think of funny things and want to share with him. I think of eating pizza on National Pizza day and want to go to his favorite pizza place with him. I miss eating pizza and Thai food with him. I miss telling him funny things the kids at school did. I miss his company. I tried to tell myself that I miss his company but don't want him back. I'm not sure that's really true.
What I do know is true is that I'm still hurting and this Valentine's Day is probably going to be kinda sucky. (So, if you live nearby, can you help keep me distracted on Saturday?)